Monday, December 19, 2011

My best friend is a 6th grader

I had a somewhat run of the mill conversation with Eldest Child this morning while taking her to school. Her school is literally around the corner so it was a quick exchange of words before she was out the door walking to her first class. It went something like this~

Eldest Child ~I have some bad news. Jake Gyllenhal turned 31 today

Me~ I'm sorry baby. Justin Beiber will still be youngish when you turn 18...

Hes skinny mom. He wouldn't be able to protect me, like in a fight.

Damn your right, no one beats Prince of Persia.

Ugh, this really sucks. Ive loved him since I was like, 7, and all for nothing. He was already too old.

Yeah, well I was in love with Johnny Depp and hes still with that french girl. And Mel Gibson went crazy and beat his wife. I loved him too.

Ugh, dudes suck. They all get old or crazy. Hey what book should I read? I left mine at dads...

Whatever book your farther along in..

I haven't read any of need to get my life together!

Me too I cant find shit around the house.

OH SNAP! New years resolution! Get our crap together!

Aye aye Captain!

Ahoy der matey! Shiver me life together! hahaha Bye mom love you!

     So this is what a conversation with my best friend is like. My best friend also happens to be my child. When I had her, I had no clue it would be like this. No idea there would be a weekly dance off between us, that she would help me like only your best gf could "Did I fuck up my eye liner? I really feel like I did.." Ohhh lemme one eye isn't as cat like as the other...oh and your mascara stuff if in your bangs. And I certainly never thought I would be telling her things that are confidentially between friends. No No, I don't tell her weird shit like things that happen behind closed doors, or like want to party with her when she turns 18. I mean maybe a glass of wine or two watching Twilight after she turns 21 but nothing with disco lights.
      I once watched this show, it was  True Life~ my mom parties hard, and well, it was horrifying. Daughters should not be getting held by their moms doing a keg stand. Moms should not be dishing out their sex life or asking for relationship advice. Because thats what friends their own age are for, you know? I didnt have a daughter with intentions of turning her into my life coach.
      I also watched this episode of Tyra Banks (don't judge me...okay judge me) of the same topic. Moms that treat their daughters like best friends, you know, shopping, hanging out with friends, clubbing, bar hoppin it to find dudes to grind against their butts on a dance floor. The first few things are normal but the clubbing and bar hopping thing just weirds me out. (Side note...why is it if a mom is with her daughter around at a bar scamming on dudes its just mildly weird, but if a dad does it with his son I instantly think they are in the business of zip ties and chloroform? But I also think this when guys travel in packs with not a chick in sight...but that's better saved for another post) I would also like to point out that I think having fun times with your adult children is totally ok, but theres a line. Its a gray line, and Im sure if you dont know where it is you probably shouldnt even go there. Im guessing the line is somewhere near the people rallying volunteers to do keg stands.
     So with the education I learned from TV shows and MORALS, I have already decided long ago, that my daughters would never be my best friends. I mean, friends is fine. But not the condom box sharing kind. (gross) So now that Ive clarified what I mean by saying my Eldest is my best friend, you know what Im throwing down and are no longer worried for her future. Well at least not worry so much to put us on Tyra. 

    It wasn't always like this, like I mentioned before, she was my baby first. Still is my baby actually. But when she was a little chubby baby I only had a hint that we were destined for soul sisterhood. For one thing, she looked similar to me. And if you take a group of besties you will most certainly find that there are similar physical attributes that they have. Maybe they all look tired and have spit up on them. Or they're all hot with long legs. Maybe they all have a stupid fucking feather in their hair. Whatever. Our likeness is mainly our sense of humor, our undeniabley cute noses, and our awesome dance moves. When she first rolled her eyes at me at the age of 3, I thought, this child is so mine, and not only that but I found the other fish in my school of 1.  And the best part was she thought I was hilarious. HILARIOUS. I could do anything and she would bust up in laughter. I would moon walk around the room, HILARIOUS. Jump up and down, HILARIOUS. I learned the theme songs to all her favorite shows (Maggie and the Ferocious Beast anyone?) and all the dance moves to The Wiggles. She was uber impressed and had such fun with me. Until she turned 5. Things got real when she turned 5. She started kindergarten and had a friend named Sam. She asked me if I could ask Sam's grandma if they could have a play date. I said sure and the next day at drop off I saw Sam walking hand in hand with a woman. Eldest child loudly said "There she is mom, theres her grandma!" Umm. This lady was not Sam's grandma. In fact, she didn't even look past 32. "Sam's grandma! Sam's grandma! Can me and Sam have a play date?" The woman turned around surprised, and said she was Sam's mom. Eldest child was stunned. And her face turned red. I turned red as well. Later Eldest asked me how come I don't look like the other moms? To which I didn't have an answer to. Weeks later she asked how old I was when I had her. Of course I told her. She didn't know what to make of it and that was that. She kept one eye on me for years. She was verrry skeptical and it took me a long time to figure out why. When I figured it was because she was learning and seeing that not only was I not a normal mom age, I also was not a normal mom. This caused many an outburst of embarrassment if I said the wrong thing like saying yes, if her friend asked if I was her mom, and also her directing me to the bread aisle if she saw a friend in the juice aisle. She got over it by the time she was in 5th grade. By then, she had told enough people to shut their face when they said I didn't look old enough to be her mom, and she had also taken quite a liking to my clothes and shoes.

 I didn't realize how tight, yes I said tight, me and Eldest were until a few months ago when everyone got struck with the stomach flu. It already passed her, I was determined not to get it and was probably overdosing on Lysol, purell and vitamin C. But everyone else was taking turns puking about every 10 min, so we all camped out in the living room. Co Captain took up one side of the couch, 2nd daughter took up the other, and Eldest and I took up the floor. (the boy and the 3rd daughter went to their dads since we can not have more barfing people than toilets) Me and Eldest were trying to sleep, really we were, but I was so freaked out thinking I might suddenly get the throwing up disease that I was talking nervously. Eldest of course enjoyed this, and was telling me all about a boy she liked in school, a girl she didn't, and such. I told her in a sarcastic way that I kinda wished I would throw up because I put on like 20 lbs from having the baby. I realized quickly this is not something you say to an impressionable child, what with all the news on 8 year olds with eating disorders and the studies saying if your daughter gets one you and your magazine covers you brought home are to blame.  So I quickly followed with, "Not that its like a good idea to puke to lose weight...rots your teeth and food is good, helps you grow big and strong...have energy.." She cut me off and said "I know mom, its probably just want to fit in your pants again. You don't have to turn it into a talk about eating disorders...I like my food in my me"  
    And that's when I realized shes alright. I'm alright. I can say things without giving her the van down by the river speech every time I say something I probably shouldnt have. She made me realize I can be her mom and be myself. I say stupid things, and she knows that. It doesnt make me a bad mom and it doesnt doom her. Later, Co Captain complained that we were awfully loud the night before and it was hard for him to concentrate on puking between us saying annoying things like "OMG" and "I know right?!"  What can I say? We were both scared we were going to start barfing on everything and I was high on Lysol.

Its not easy raising your best friend. There is certain times I wish she would just listen because I'm her mom and I'm too lazy for explanations. Friends explain their feelings they don't just say...blah blah go to your room I don't want to hear it. They care, alot, about how the other person feels. Plus I'm grateful to have a right hand girl that knows exactly what I mean when I say "Wheres my black top with the thing on the side, the one with the stitch that goes weird on that one part?" Eldest child says I'm her best friend too even though I'm her mom. I mean, we both know the merits of Jake and his horseback riding skills he could have taught to her sister. And she curses the skinny french bitch who stole her could have been dad, who could have given us all geometry shaped hair cuts. And of course we both agree that "Mel Gibson be all kinda cray." So I'm going to savor this time with my bestie, in a few years I might not be so highly thought of, maybe she will go insane from teenager hormones eating her brain and soul, I mean that shit happened to me.. Until then, I'm practicing my robot. I have a dance off tomorrow to attend.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Happy Fuckin Holidays!

'Tis that time of year..Christmas/Holiday/New Years cards should be arriving any day now....unless folks aren't wasting their time with sending my family a card, since we (or I, rather) cant get our shit together and send one back. But alas this year I'm joining in the time honored tradition of dressing the spawn in merry attire and bribing them to please at least touch shoulders for a family photo to send off. If the children cooperate they can even get an extra present from Santa (because Santa and moms are homies and shit.)  With all the money Ill be spending on stamps to send off this magical moment in time its going to be a toothbrush. If they display a charming smile and a shoulder touch they can even get the Justin Beiber singing in your mouth variety. I don't expect my son to be bribed with an extra present because he is unbribable, unless I bribe him with meeting Doc Brown and taking him on a cruise to go back in time to pick a different family that didn't have so many sisters, hes going to think the whole thing is fucking stupid.

But you wanna know whats even better than sending cards??
Sending Christmas/Holiday/New Years LETTERS of course!!
I am going to be honest, the ones I receive are absolutely adorable. Mostly because they come from adorable families that do lots of things like, "We went on a vacation, kids played sports, little Andrew can now read at a 10th grade level, pretty advanced for a 5 year old!" and I LOVE to spy on adorable families. And families that get way more shit done than my own. It inspires me to be just like them, for like, at least a week. Then my reality kicks in and I realize I havent taken a shower in 4 days and maybe its been a week for the baby, because Im trying to keep up with laundry, advancing peoples reading levels and shopping at Big 5 where I always find the exercise section and go broke trying to buy the best contraption that will make my ass hot in 6 weeks. But I know that what is in these letters is obviously a cut and dry version of their year. I mean, who wants to hear about that not only did you had a baby, but you also had cracked nipples for 10 weeks and still have to ice your tail bone because your pretty sure your precious angel face cracked your ass in half. Literally. (I know this is a true crime story because I myself got my ass cracked in half by a plummeting took months before I could sit properly and not shout out "WHAT IN THE FUCK") So what if I, the woman who cant even get her shit together enough for a decent shoulder touching family photo, sent a Christmas/Holiday/New Years letter? Words in parenthesis will obviously be ommitted.

Greetings XYZ Family! We hope this message from our family to yours finds you well. (psst...I don't even know what the fuck that means...but that's how these usually begin)

Our Family had a super fantastic year, and we are so (fucking) excited to start a new one! Because although this year was super fantastically awesome we are ready for another round of (shit storm) adventure!!

This year Eldest Child started middle school! We were pretty nervous (I was pacing the house frantically calling friends for reassurance and asking the universe how they could let this happen to me?) but she seems to be thriving. She even has over a hundred facebook friends! (that I monitor all activities of and report anything that I deem offensive to my child...should she ever look at every single picture her friends have and get crazy riding your bike without a helmet! REPORTED) and she is also again a part of the G.A.T.E program which is such an awesome oppurtunity (for me to cry when I help her with homework) and she certainly does love it. Eldest Child is also doing a (shit) ton of fundraisers so if you need wrapping paper, cookie dough, jewelry (boot leg dvds) etc. Shes your girl! Just facebook her! (after I approve the request) Shell get right back to you!

Second Child started 3rd grade and has really taken off in her reading and social skills (they wont fucking stop calling) and on top of that shes even started her very own dog walking business (since tooth fairy often forgets to visit and she wants insane things like a real dog). She is such a joy to have around (she cleans my bathroom and folds our clothes), always has the sweetest hugs (after she has a tantrum that would scare away the most devout priests) and a real knack for art! Shes drawn so many pictures of cats and rabbits that we could start a (creepy) gallery with her talents!

Third Child has started 1st grade with a bang (or a pew pew..he lives on the dark side of the force) and is especially excited to be in boy scouts (anything that has more than one boy is gold in his eyes). His reading is improving (he read the instruction book to Gears of War) and he is fascinated with battle play (he shot his sisters and me at least 56 times in the leg/face/arm/mypregnantbelly with a nerf gun this summer) and with his new baby brother (who he said he would pack extra grenades for when the zombies come) that he loves soooo much!

Fourth Child had a very special birthday, turning 4 and all. She is now finally out of diapers! With a few tricks up our sleeves (told her a pony breaks its leg everytime you shit yourself) and some positive reinforcement (children are like dogs really) she is a potty goin pro! She is talking pretty clearly now and can even write a few words down (I taught her to write the word boob. hilarious!) She is just about ready for preschool (no shes not, she hates kids her own age) and will be soon following the foot steps of her brother and sister to the big elementary school! (in another year...or so...)

Fifth Child is our newest addition and if you havent met him yet your in for a treat! (no seriously dont raise him above your head unless you want him to puke in your mouth) He was born 3 months early and thankfully after a short (insanely horrendous) stay in the NICU, he came home in September, right before his due date. Hes already smiling (and puking) and laughing at everyone (he thinks we are crazy) we are pretty sure he really likes us! (when he is not screaming). The kids help out so much (when they feel like it) and everyone loves to hold the baby (while I bitch about this whole laundry situation and pour myself some wine).

As for me and LifePartner/team mate we are just thrilled to share with you a piece of our world and would love to hear how each of you are doing and what your plans are for the upcoming year (so we can be jealous or make fun of you) and as always we wish you a very Happy Healthy (lit) New Year!

Welcome to the jungle bitches.

I seriously hope I'm allowed to write the word bitches on here. Or else I'm totally screwed. This is me.

My hair is so kick ass right here its not even funny.
For friends that are reading this I have a pseudonym on here. I mean why the eff not? I grew up wanting my name to be things like Sprinkles, or Cupcake Thundercat. Now that I'm older I have a whole list of names in case I get famous and/or if I join a roller derby league.Ive decided to do a blog for a few reasons, for one I post wayyyy too much on facebook, and frankly I'm pretty sure some people have hid or deleted me because of my ramblings, cursing, weirdness (I call em quirks...makes me sound interesting like Zooey Deschanel) and incessant use of misspellings and poor grammar, (don't worry this thing has abc check...holla!!) So this blog is for the people who care to read more than a post or a shout out, and mostly for the people who have sent me wonderful letters about how they look forward to my posts and how my words made them laugh even though they were having a majorly shitty day. It really warms my heart and gives me a new avenue of purpose to find the moment where "this shit is so insane its funny" and share it with others to make them smile. Or make them say "fuck this girl is annoying. DELETE" Because if there is one thing mainstream hip hop taught me its "If you aint bein hated on you aint doin shit" and also the importance of NOT being in the club if Usher should walk through the doors......