Saturday, November 24, 2012

Humble's Gift Giving Guide

The bird is the word that the holiday season is upon us. Let's be honest and say it's been upon us since October, when Target pulled out their Christmas decor along side their Halloween displays, and it was easy to scoff and mumble that it was cray to be thinking of the end of year festivities when we were still sweating our asses off from the Summer that took too long to end.

But now that Thanksgiving has passed us, we have to accept that the holidays are indeed here. No matter what you celebrate, chances are you are celebrating something that requires gifts. Even if you are a smart ass atheist who doesn't necessarily celebrate anything at all...chances are you will have to buy SOMETHING for someone like your mom or godparent, because you have been invited to all the parties you don't want to go to, but have to, because if there is one thing we can all agree on no matter what we believe in or celebrate (or don't) it's that going to these shindigs keeps the family knowing that you made it through the year and you don't want any unexpected visitors come February. Or a rumor that you have turned into a vampire and may or may have not be seen under a bridge sacrificing pigeons. Families can jump to conclusions if they have not seen you for a year, let me tell ya. So we all have to go to these things.....and we must all bring at least one gift. So I have come up with this awesome gift guide of things that you didn't know you wanted. What you thought I was going to list things for you to give other people? Pfffffft. No. This is for people who are buying for YOU. Because you are going to their damn party and/or you have put up with their shit for another year, and they owe you.  If you needed an idea of what to give someone else, just get a clock radio or a scarf and take the tags off. Everyone will think you are way crafty....LIKE JESUS, and you can't lose with that type of thoughtfulness. And now for my my gift giving guide which I call.....

Awesome Gift Giving Guide of Things You Didn't Know You Wanted

What a Difference a Day Makes Custom Print 18.00
Now the idea is to have important dates in your life listed and framed, with captions of what the date is. This example includes a couple's bdays, wedding date and kid's bday. The bottom print reads "What a difference a day makes!"
Cute, indeed. If you are into that type of thing.
Dates I suggest documenting instead:
The day you lost your virginity
The day you quit your lame ass job
Your cat's birthday
The day you finally broke up with your lame ass bf/gf
The day you came out as a drag queen
See where I  am going? The options are truly endless.

Because seriously, you need this in your life.

 Harry Potter Snuggie 29.29

Amazon lists this as a "Micro Rashel Comfy Throw Blanket with Sleeves" but that doesn't fool me, this is a Harry Potter Snuggie!
I have a feeling the Snuggie folks were like "eh, HP Snuggie....that won't sell" And the HP folks were like, "DAMN THE MAN!" and made their own. So not only could you be wearing this magical piece of fashion, keeping toasty warm and be completely ready for a surprise re enactment of any scene in the Potter movies, but you are also stickin it to the man. I think. In any case, you can scare the shit out of your spouse, kids, dog, mailman, and shout  "EXPECTO PETRONUM!" whenever you damn well please, because wearing this bad boy is like wearing a sign that says "Potter, bitches!" and that's warning enough.

 Instagram Throw Pillow 64.00

Okay, 64.00 might sound like a lot of cash for a pillow, but we know you have worked your ass off not only making sure to stay sober enough to use your camera on girls night, but also sober enough to crop and filter a photo and link all your just as drunk as you, friends. It's no easy task, and I'd say you are worth the ka ching.
This is also great for you if you want to look like you have somewhat of a social life. Putting this on your couch says "Look at me, I have friends and I am a professional photographer who likes artsy things" And really, isn't that everyone's goal in life?



 Tattoo a Banana 14.99

A really super cool book that sparks creativity and like the title says "ways to turn anything and everything into art"

I think this is your new go to book for parties and avoiding housework.

Psst... want to be gifted this by ME!? Click HERE and find out how!!!

If you want to see even more madness that I love and think you should be owning, follow me on

Love, Humble xoxo

Monday, November 19, 2012

Just a warning

Within moments of a baby being born, parents are often told to cherish it. Cherish the little moments, the snuggles, the sweet newborn smell, the tiny hand in your hand, and all the wonderful nuances that become a part of your life with a little human.

Soon enough the baby starts to be on the move. Rolling from here to there, picking up speed, until they start crawling around and then climbing.

Parents are warned, "It goes by fast, soon she will be walking", "You think it's hard now, wait until she asks to borrow your car", "I remember when my daughter was that age"

The baby becomes a toddler, walking from room to room, discovering the world around them. A short trip to the grocery store turns into a very slow journey, holding a tiny hand in the parking lot, pointing out a tree, a red car, a plane overhead. Touching different fruits that the toddler points at. And a meltdown at the check out when the toddler is denied candy. 

Months turn to years, and soon it's no longer a toddler, and it is a young girl, learning to read. 

"She will be in college soon enough!", "Just wait until she's a teenager!"

When more babies are brought home. The warnings never end. There is always a baby, there is always someone learning to read, and there is always the oldest child. Forging ahead on new territory. Territory where you have never been a parent at. A place you haven't visited until were their age.

"I wish sometimes they would just stay little.", "I remember when....", "The next age will be the hardest", "All my kids are grown now, I miss it."

These are all things I hear all of the time. I hear it in relation to my youngest, who is a year old and to my youngest daughter, who is 5.

Thankfully, I didn't pay attention to what people have told me. Sure, I listen. I listen to my own mother recounting stories of my childhood, which I can only remember in bits and pieces, and the events always seem hazy, as if I dreamed it. And I understand why people feel compelled to tell new parents to cherish and remember, and remind them that it goes by so fast. I feel as though maybe the people saying it, feel a little cheated, that they didn't realize how fast their kids would grow up. And they are just passing on a warning. "You think this is your life, but it's not, it is just a phase, soon you will be cheated, and it will be a memory."

Like I said, I don't pay attention. I haven't been paying attention to all the things people have said for me to think on. I haven't been deliberately trying to record my child's every moment in my head, with the fear that it will go by so fast. I don't listen when people tell me how much I will miss it, how the next phase is the worst, and that soon enough, she will be living on her own and she will hardly talk to me and what ever hell else people threaten.

Instead, I have been watching. The shape of her eyes, they have never changed. They have only gotten bigger and brighter. The laugh I heard when she was 3 months old? It's the same. But bigger, and louder. The tears she cried when she was first born, I wipe from her face, in the same way that I do now. I remember when I could hold her entire body in my 2 arms. Now, she is as tall as me. 

I didn't pay attention to how much I would be missing, because I was paying more attention to her. And although sometimes I do hate that memories are all I have of her early years, I don't hate it enough to bother warning anyone else what is going to happen when they have a new baby.

And if I did, it would be,

"You think this is amazing now?.....You haven't seen anything yet"
                             Happy Birthday to my eldest daughter.
                                       You amaze me.

Friday, November 9, 2012

What Humble Did: Scary Van and a GIFT AWAY

If you have never read my blog before, WELCOME! I have a few regular features on my blog and What Humble Did is what I did/have been doing/can't fit into one status. Given that I am a ramble machine constantly filling up people's feeds with a bunch of random shit, I figure hey why not do it on my blog too!?

I had a dream last night about my van. The automobile freaks me out so much during the day, what with it's constant lights, and DING DING DING's, and sudden smoke effect that makes me think Gotham City lives in the engine, that my constant fears have crossed over to my subconscious, where I am usually running with kittens in a field to the tune of Aquarius looking for my husbands Jeff Goldblum and Mark Ruffalo while also wearing a bikini and having super powers like flying. My dreams are so awesome you guys. But not last night, no, Brother Husbands were not there, and not even ONE kitten in sight. Instead I was driving in my mind fucking van trying to get to the gas station before the whole thing blew up. I was driving the Crank of vans. So I was looking for a gas station and right before I reach one, the whole van starts spinning in circles and eventually flips over crushing me. I managed to get out and flip the van back over (I have super powers in every dream) and it is like a van pancake. The whole thing was ridiculous so I made myself wake up.

So this morning I am driving my van, and because of my dream I put gas in it, washed the windshield (which I have never done in my life) and I even sweated the whole way taking my kids to school thinking something bad was going to happen. I fucking love anxiety created from my imagination. Seriously. Nothing is better than fearing the completely irrational thought of my van flipping over and being squashed because I ran out of gas. Makes so much sense. Thanks brain. No seriously, go f yourself. Making me wash my window and shit.

That's right you probably skipped right on over my scary van dream to get right here to the good stuff.
So here is the deal.
My brother Danie needs his teeth fixed. Badly. You can read my first (very brief) post about it HERE
There is a fund set up to help him cover the cost of the dental work he very badly needs, and thanks to some of you, and other very generous people, over 1,000.00 has been raised.
So what is it about this gift away? Well, if you go to Danie's fund page and donate ANY amount of money and write on the wall that you were sent by me, I will put your name into a drawing for a super special thank you gift from me! And if you know anything about me, you know that I am going to be giving you something that I want for myself. Yep. I am that kind of giver. So it's going to be awesome, because I only like awesome things. And if it's not, you can re gift it to some weirdo on your holiday shopping list that is hard to buy for. Also, I am not giving away just ONE thing. For every 100.00 donated I will be pulling a name. Boom.
Directions again:
Go to Danie's Fund Page HERE

Donate ANY amount (1.00, 2.00, 5.00 etc)

Write on the Fund Page's Wall that I sent you
Ex. Your sister sent me.
Humble sent me.

And if you can't help at this time, you can share this post, or you can bookmark it and donate whenever you like.

If you already donated, give me a shout out and I will put your name in the drawing!

One of these books could be yours and if you hate it, well then I just gifted someone you were dreading buying a gift for.
You're Welcome.

Next Gift That I will Give:
Tattoo a Banana
as seen in:
Humble's Gift Giving Guide

Who the fuck doesn't love robots!?
I mean REALLY.
This gift has been gifted!!
 Remember every 100.00 I will be giving a gift away so this is just the beginning. I saw a bunch of other cool stuff at Barnes and Noble that I think you need.