Monday, January 16, 2012

Dear Society, An Open Letter From Humble.

Dear  Leaders of Society,

    Hello. I have been a prospective member since 84' and an actual member for less than 10 years. I am writing in response to quite a few actions and activities I've seen other members perform in public. And also one suggestion to an activity that other members have been complaining about. I have included examples and suggestions that I think should really be talked about intensively to rectify the situation because if you don't.... well then...I'm going to just start complaining to other members individually. And you don't want no part of the shit storm that it could bring. And neither do my children. They are embarrassed enough that we don't have cable. They don't need me raining shit storms on people in public as well. So on behalf of my children could you please cut and paste the following sections into some type of poster and put it up near busy street corners, freeway off ramps, any Jesus standing on a corner, amusement parks and all Insane Clown Posse gatherings? That would be swell!!! Love, Humble


Hawking Loogies/Spitting Mucous/Snot Rocketing from Your Nasal Cavity and/or Throat:
     This is now found as completely disgusting and may make a pregnant person throw up on your shoes. We have one known case of this actually happening in response to said action. It will also make other members of the opposite sex be completely revolted and immediately put you on the "This person is fucking gross" list. Yes, you will be put on this list. Even at the gas station. Other members do not need to be reminded that you have disgusting things going on with your immune system. That being said, we all suffer from this affliction of disgustingness from time to time, but we should like to keep it under wraps and pretend it doesn't exist. Quite like watching Jersey Shore, or going to Big Lots for silver ware. If it is an emergency and you are in a public space FIND A TRASH CAN. Think of the older members or prospective members that might pass through and slip in your nasal mucous cesspool and fall on their innocent little behinds. 

Peeing in public spaces during day light hours when your not even drunk:
    No one wants to see (or imagine) your pork sword in your hands waving in the breeze of a Wal Mart parking lot. Or a gas station. Or anywhere that other people can see you. Make use of bottles, cups, and jars. We know they are in your car because that's how you got in this position in the first place. You get a free pass after hours and you are drunk. Because there is nothing worse than a drunk person with pee pants. Just find a bush, a DARK CORNER, or have a friend who feels sorry for you to stand and block you from view.

Horrible statements to the opposite sex:
    The offenders will think this is a "pick up line", do not be confused by a pick up line and a horrible statement.  The differences are outlined below:

Pick Up line: Is an introduction to your wit and humor. ex: "You have the sweetest eyes I have ever seen"

Horrible Statement: Doesn't even make fucking sense. ex: Sup Ma? (Unless she is your mother, in which case she should smack you with a religious publication. Women do not want to be referred to as your mother if you ever intend for them to be a mother or prospective mothers to your children, or even practice making children with them, ever. )

Pick Up Line: Introduces yourself. ex: Hi, I am XYZ can I buy you a yacht or a drink?

Horrible Statement: Succumbs the offended into crawling into a hole and showering 17 times. Ex: Whats that taste like? (AND THERE IS NO FOOD AROUND)          

Saying someone is a pussy/retard

    In case you missed the memo written by "Everyone Knows" Pussy a.k.a Vagina's; give birth to babies. It is not to be replaced with"You weakling!" If anything people who have smarts, skills, and can lift at least 100 pounds should be called Vagina's or a Pussy. Unless you are referring to the offended as a Pussy Cat, in which case, carry on, with your silly ass self.

   Stop using the word "retard" It is annoying and offensive to not only those with special needs but it lets others know that YOU are annoying and offensive and you want all baby animals to die in a fiery inferno and you never wipe your butt.

One suggestion to members who have been complaining about in regards to breastfeeding prospective members in public. GET THE FUCK OVER IT.
    A section of members have put up with this shit for way too long. Getting harassed for nursing their hunger ridden children, being told to "cover up" because it might make people "uncomfortable." Or at worst being made to leave the vicinity even though it is illegal to do so. Call it like it is assholes, you hate babies and want them to starve. If you didn't hate babies and you didn't want them to starve you wouldn't care if a mom shoved her baby on her breast on aisle 7 of Target so long as the little angel face was fed and not interfering with the debate with your spouse to Big Lots for the dinner ware.


Take it up with these prospective members if you have a problem.




1 comment:

  1. Oh my lawrd....I love this. You had me at "pork sword". I've started from the beginning of your blog and working my way to now.