Monday, April 30, 2012

Humble: Level Expert

There is a baby shower game/activity that I freakin hate. I mean, its sentimental and cute, much unlike the "guess how huge mom is by lengths of toilet paper sheets" but it is annoying none the less. It is pretty simple, everyone gets a little card and they write their best piece of baby advice and then it all goes in a little book for the mom and dad to read when they are up at 2 a.m. wondering what Grandma Gertrude's recipe was for teething (straight Gin by the way. The good shit. Right on the gums. Don't get carried away or you'll have an Uncle Bobby on your hands.) and also to see what words of loving guidance your mother in law wrote. (pffft)
Usually when it is my turn I write the same shit that I always tell people when they ask for my general advice with baby/kid harvesting/farming

You already know it all. You just have to trust that you do.

This is not pleasing to most people, they want more details, they want my "secrets" to raising awesome children, for getting through a sleepless night, for my method of discipline, I mean I have 5 kids so I must be an expert on this subject, right? (wrong, although in some countries I am considered a midwife) I mean I do have lots of great advice its just, sigh, it just doesn't matter what my advice is. Unless you want my opinion on crying it out (don't) how long to breastfeed (however long you want. period.) and how I feel about time outs (pffft) I'll tell ya. But I am not an expert. Alas, I am just sick of being asked questions that are better answered with your own experiences. Child raising isn't a test, so there are, simply put, no right answers, only your answers. I am also rather tired of people giving me their advice, or asking questions on my personal situation of having 5 humans materializing out of my vagina-gate.
I am so tired of it that I am dedicating a whole blog post to it.

Its called "What not to say to Moms with a shit ton of kids at the store"

1. Are these all yours?
My answer: Yes.
My thoughts: I am not walking dogs, unless you count the child who is licking gum off the floor. Please don't ask me anything else, I am just here for a few things and I am about to forget the fancy lube if I am distracted one more time.

2. You're lucky you are young. You must have so much energy.
My answer: You betcha.
My thoughts: I need to stop doing jumping jacks, this Adderall is so awesome! I am not even hungry! Fuck I think I'm getting a head ache...what am I here for? Bananas, juice boxes, stamps, and what was the last thing? It was something sexy fuck I forgot, fancy lube that's it!

3. Are you done?
My answer: No I think I am forgetting something. I think I have a list in my purse.
My thoughts: I know what you meant and its none of your business what my uterus does. Fuck I forgot something. Bananas, juice boxes, stamps, is that all I am here for?

4.So you're getting your tubes tied right?
My answer: YUP
My thoughts: Fucking a. Now I just have to make this person go away, just say whatever they want to hear, and make them go away. Wheres my son? Shit. Shit. Shit. Oh wait there he is. Must stop doing jumping jacks and talking to this person. Dude, when I get home I am trying on those size 6's I seriously think they will fit today.

5. Are they all from the same dad?
My answer: They are all from the same mom.
My thoughts: Which is why they are all totally pissed that you are still existing in their environment, I am pretty sure Eldest is going to strangle this person. I should just let this happen. I am going to run in place and watch the magic.

6.I would never have the patience for that, I can barely handle my own.
My answer: I wouldn't be able to handle yours either.
My thoughts: BOOM MOTHERFUCKER. How dare you insinuate my kids are some sort of derelict crazy people who need to be tazed to put under control. SAY SOMETHING ELSE. I DARE YOU.

7.You know what causes this right?
My answer: YUP.
My thoughts: SEX. I hope this person doesn't do it. They seem like they would be into some weird shit anyways. Like playing 20 fucking questions for foreplay. I bet they'd never shut up. "Do you like it?" "How much?" bahahaha

8.Ever heard of a condom?
My answer:Yea, I sure hope you use them.
My thoughts: Condom, wait was I here for that? No...something related...fuck I'm never going to remember. Ewww I bet this person uses the ribbed kind...for her we still have Wayne's World or did the kids scratch it?

9. You must be Catholic
My answer:Nope
My thoughts: I like how people assume I am Catholic and never Mormon, I mean why else would a white woman have a bunch of Mexican kids. OH MY GOD I REMEMBER NOW...Coffee creamer!! That's what I am forgetting!!

10. I don't know how you do it.
My answer: Me neither!
My thoughts: Thanks for reminding me you just reminded me I need fancy lube! Wait...I can't buy that...half of these kids can read labels....ughhhhhhhh crap.

11. You must be an expert
My answer and my thoughts: Yep, you should totally read my blog.

By the way, does anyone have the hookups for Adderall? I ran out.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Onwards and Upwards

The following is a true story.

Recently, someone called me out on the Internet. On my own page (not my personal page..) and basically told me I was a dumb ass. Yep that's it in a nutshell. Oh and that I am a slanderous father hating bitch who feeds off of negative energy and points out other peoples flaws to make myself feel better.

What. the. fuck.

This is the horror I wrote

Now normally, I don't really care if people don't like me or what I say, and I don't get my feelings hurt too much. In fact I usually make this face and move on...
Someone doesn't like me on the Internet? Single. Tear.

But this time, it kind of actually sucked. Because this person is in blood relation to me. Now I have been an adult for some time now (i.e I don't own any red plastic cups) but it is still surprising to me how someone who has been an adult much longer than I, can stoop so low as to call me out and be basically MEAN TO ME, when they can just message me personally with a problem they have with me. Blasting it on a public forum, especially mentioning personal details about me and acting like an asshole is not only embarrassing for me but is a dick move. I mean, come on. I am going to see you in real life at some point in time, so don't pretend you can just be mean to me online and not own up to that to my face.

But all that aside, I am glad it happened...for one, I saw how awesomeballs my fans and friends are. No one got batshit crazy, everyone was calm. Even though I am sure a lot of you felt like this..

Fuck I know I did. And I was also able to clarify exactly what my page is about:

"I find things that I find amusing in my life and post them here on my fan page that is for those that are interested, to read. The point is that a lot of people can either relate or find humor in it. Like I... do. I don't post names, not even the real names of my kids here on this page. Not even my own name. The people that are interested in my wit and amusements are here not because they are forced. I don't go around asking for ppl to share my page or to pleaseplease like it for a reason. I'm not here to be liked. I'm here to laugh."

I do not take myself too seriously on the regs, but when I get responses like this one...

"not that you are in need of compliments but i would like to point out that you probably help more women than you realize. you are awesomely honest, crazy witty, fun, and what makes a lot of us realize that we aren't alone in what we go through. you are a beautiful person to so many people who don't even know you. you are a stress relief to us all and that's one reason why we all continue to stay here. it's unfortunate that people can't see and appreciate a beautiful person when they see one."

I am for once speechless. I am just silly me, trying to be cool and smile and laugh and go with it and other phrases that mean the same thing. And people actually enjoy it and tell me so. And if someone doesn't like it, for the record, it is okay. My mama told me when I was a little girl that some people in my life, were just not going to like me, no matter what I did or said. And that is their problem, not mine. And I like to sum it up even more with a favorite quote that I have said time and time again,

"Don't let other peoples shit become your shit"

I am not going to stop being optimistic, sarcastic, and laughing. I am still going to find the humor in a fucked up situation and share it with anyone who cares. I am going to let people know that I am weirdo, I don't know everything, sometimes I get my feelings hurt, and that mostly through it all, I move the fuck on. Onwards and upwards, sideways and in 4D real time with special effects and sparkles.

Besides where else can I show off my lightsaber skills?
People in my really real life are fed up with this bad assery.

                             Oh and by the way. This is my jam today.

                                                   And every day.... xoxox Humble
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Monday, April 9, 2012

Tell me all about it. No seriously, tell me.

I have these awesome quirks about me that when people find out about them they are like "Omg, you are so cute and interesting!"**

Like, how I can't stand to not know the specific plot of a movie and a detailed re telling of its ending before I decide to see it. Cute and interesting right?**

I mean what person wouldn't want to sit next to me and answer my every question, like..

Whose that guy? Is that Liam Neeson? He looks old here..maybe he is playing an older dude....

Wait...what did they say? I couldn't hear...I was chewing ice...what do you mean you don't know because I was talking...I meant what did they say right before I didn't hear either?

What accent is this? I thought they were in Paris..this sounds Irish...that guy looks Irish but I thought it said Paris in the beginning part of the scene...

You should really try to think back to that part you weren't paying attention to and tell me what they said...because I think it was important..

Denzel Washington is in this!? Why didn't you just say so!? Now I know its a good movie for sure.. but I am still going to Google how it ends...

As you can see I am the cutest most interesting girl that you would love to take to the movies.
Unless it is a scary movie, in which case I will leave every so often to go to the check my hair, pee, wash my hands, check out the snack bar or just beg to leave because I think I might have started my period. Unless I know what the scary movie is exactly about and how it ends, chances are I think I might be getting my period...maybe. We should go home and check just in case because they ran out of pads in the pad dispenser in the restroom.

Now if I am at home and I am about to watch a scary movie I can't possibly pull a "I think I am about to shed uterine lining" excuse, so I have to get even more creative in trying to avoid the intense scenes and daunting music that is a prelude to some poltergeist demon popping out of a mirror while innocent Kevin Bacon is looking less Footloose and more Hollow Man as he brushes his teeth. Most of the time I actually WANT to watch the movie so I will ask a million questions before hand, and if the Biff has seen it before (or anyone for that matter, I will fucking text people mid movie so it doesn't look like I'm wimping out and Googling) I will drag every major plot point or scare that he can recall.
If this fails I cover my eyes. Or squint so I can't exactly see everything.
I once took out my contacts in the bathroom during Predators because not only was I nerve wracked enough by sitting next to a hot guy who paid for the tickets but I had to act like I am totally okay with some insane alien creatures who are invisible most of the time EXCEPT AT THE MOST RANDOM MOMENTS popping up out of the jungle to turn humans into hamburgers in mere seconds.

Funny thing is, I enjoy movies, even scary ones, I really do (honestly, Biff, I just clawed your leg during Predators because I really like your leg..not because of anything else that might jump out at me the next time I am taking a shower and blast my brains out) I am just not a visual learner. Like, most people see things and can tell by a color in the movie (I am catching on though, Red=you're fucked or you're going to cry about this later ala Schindlers List) or by the way a shadow looks waaaaaaaaaaay in the back ground that some guy is waiting around the corner with a machete looking for boobs to hack off.
Nope, I didn't see the way those packages were oddly strewn in the back of that car with a sheet placed over it and I just peed myself a little when the old town psycho shows up in the rear view mirror ready to gouge out the drivers eye balls.

No my friends, I learn by listening, and by reading. Turn down that creepy fucking music (that's too much for my senses...I am ready jump on someones head like a Ferrel cat by the final dun in dun dun...duuuuuuuuun)
and turn on the subtitles so I can figure out this plot and whats really going on. This of course, is not limited to my movie watching, I realized rather recently, that this is how I deal with real life situations. Thanks adult hood for finally giving me some fucking slice of understanding with how to operate myself. You've been holding out on me for the past I dunno...decade.
If I can't read it or hear about it. I don't know shit about it.
Case in point: I have no idea who does and doesn't like me, by the look on their face. If they are giving me a "eat shit you fucking poser" look, I won't see it. I will keep yammering on about how I love Ragu over Prego and that The Sounds is highly underrated and I have been dabbling in thinking of going blonde like Maja, but then I remember I am kind of a chunk so that would make my face bigger, somehow...I think I read it in Glamour.
But if that same girl is like "Hey I don't fucking like you" or worse tells her friend that she doesn't like me, I will sit there confused because I thought she really did, I just thought that mean face was just her face, and she was ugly or something.

Another instance is when I am watching an example of something...say my dad showing me what part of my mind fucking van is mind fucking me and he is pointing out things to me and he is talking so fast all I can hear is "well the Axl Rose piston shimmyjigger is broke so we have to get a water pump hose oil goes right here and you didn't check the water did you? Well the water fiscalpeeve studemaker Redenbacher is gasket bad, all bad. You really need to check the oil more often" All the while he is pointing at shit and taking shit out to show me and I am just nodding like a good daughter should because he is taking the time to explain something that is really crappin up my day and wait did he just say Redenbacher? Because popcorn sounds excellent right now.

A more serious side effect to this whole cute wittle quirky quirk***, is that in times of emergency, say...when Jedi was sitting in the grass the other day and my mom wanted to take a picture, he fell over backwards with a huge thud. I was standing right next to him. This is not unusual behavior for me, I see the baby mind can't process it fast enough "and this is happening" my mind blurbs to my body that is firmly in one spot.
I reach down, dust the grass off, pat, pat, there there, you're okay.
My moms yelling at me "You were right there! Why didn't you catch him?!"

Oh he's fine. And don't worry, I am googling "symptoms of a concussion" right now, and I think he might be totally fine. Here take him, I have to uhhh...go to the bathroom.

**It is super fucking annoying for all who tolerate to be near me

***everyone might need therapy when my job here is done