Sunday, September 23, 2012

Love to my brother

I have never had a fight with my older brother Danie. Never been picked on by him.
Not even one time, have we ever looked at each other with annoyance or disdain.

Me and my two older brothers are siblings, raised a part, with different mothers and many miles between us (mostly me since I live in Cali and they lived in Oregon, when we were kids)

I have nothing but love for both of them.
I think they are some of the most amazing human beings on the planet.

Thanks to the Internet, I have been in contact with my brothers more than I ever have in my whole life. And recently I saw that Danie's girlfriend Crystal had started a fund to fix his teeth.
 Danie has been working really hard to support them while she finishes college, and they don't have the means to start his dental work. He has always had problems with his teeth, and now with the constant infections, he is often in pain and it is starting to affect his health. If something isn't done now, there could be disastrous consequences.
And this scares the shit out of me.
I love my brother so much.

Crystal has found a dentist that will pull Danie's teeth, and replace them, for 3,000.00
If you can, all I ask is what you can give.
If you can't spare a few dollars, please share this.
Fund to Fix Danie's Teeth

Thank you so much Humblers.
And thank you Crystal for caring so much about my big brother.

xoxox Humble

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Humble's Midnight Review of The Katy Perry Movie

On Tuesday I bought The Katy Perry Movie.....more specifically Part of Me: The Katy Perry Movie.

We missed out on the actual Katy Perry 3D IMAX version, so I was pretty thankful I had "liked" Katy Perry on Facebook, because I learned the movie had come out on DVD right when I woke up and saw it in my feed. Why had I "liked" Katy Perry on Facebook is a mystery to me, because I was not even really a fan, except for she has a few songs that I know by heart because you know....that goddamn Katy and her catchy ass beats. Oh, and I like the fact that she dresses like a glittery pink cotton candy infused disco ball and can shoot whipped cream out of her tits. And seriously, what's not awesome about that?

It's just that I am (still) a Lady Gaga fan, through and through, and am wary of any other girls trying to copy cat the whole "I am just a fucked up weirdo who is also talented" shtick. Plus, I just like Lady Gaga's ass better than I like Katy's boobs. I am but a simple fan to please. I got the Katy Perry movie, mostly because I am sick and tired of that Justin Beiber movie that my girls are playing out, and Katy Perry is kind of wholesome, unlike Lady Gaga. If Lady Gaga made a rise to fame movie I am pretty sure it would be the equivalent of that whole weird book that Madonna made, and was banned by most religions and humane society groups. Whereas the Katy Perry movie looked like it was just silly and fun, like maybe she could pass off her spinning lollipop boobs as something cutesy and non sexy, even though you and I both know she was insinuating something....delicious candy breasts??  Who knows, certainly not the children! Oh, and because I heard from the grapevine that the fall out between her and Russel Brand was in it. And I am the nosiest bozo you've ever met.

So here is how my viewing of Katy Perry went down:

Where is her boobs? I've been watching this for 5 minutes and this is lagging.

Okay she looks like a normal girl off the street right here. You mean she really doesn't have all that hair? It's a wig? I shall log that into my "celebrities might be normal" think tank.

She wasn't famous 6 years ago. Interesting. She is also my age.
That's not weird.

She is not that great of a dancer....but I think she knows it because everyone is dancing around her. Points to Gaga.

She is a better singer than Britney...not hard to do...but she gets some points back.

She seems kind of normal. She has had the same friends for years. She loves her grandma.
She works hard. I get it. Get to the good stuff.... ahhh Russel Brand...there you are.

Wait. What. She's crying. Like, human tears. Not the "I will just wipe it away and carry on" kind of shit. Ohmyfucking....she's a WRECK. She is dry heaving. And she is going on stage?! YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT THE FANS WILL UNDERSTAND!!

Now I am going to stop right here, because clearly, I am getting re emotional over this emotional bit and I was pretty teary eyed the first 5 times I saw the movie. Yes the kids have watched it all in all 50 times. Mostly because she has a cat mascot named Kitty Purry, and she has fantastical outfits and sings and all that girly stuff.

In wrapping it up, if your looking to see Katy's ta ta's....this is probably not the movie for you. Check out her Maxim spread...I think she did some lingerie shots from a year ago.
If you are interested in seeing a normal girl with big dreams, work her ass off to make it happen and then watch her be devastated for like 10 minutes, bounce back on her feet and keep her truck truckin along, slinging out not very good lyrics but having a grand time being her crazy ass self and showing gratitude for all the amazing people that make her life possible.This is the movie for you.

It was definitely the movie for me.

Plus I learned there is a place somewhere in Japan that you basically pay to visit a house that is decorated ridiculously cutesy anime-ish and it is full of cats. Katy had a tea party. WITH CATS.
For reals.

Monday, September 17, 2012


Remember that Blogger Idol post? Of course you do, I only bothered you with it for the past 24 hours.
I showed this to my daughter and she was dying laughing. And really I value her opinion more than anyone else, EVEN when there are prizes involved.
So here it is...

A Humble Rap

My name is Humble, I got 5 kids and I got a blog
Not gonna lie I might be the underdog...
If you choose me to be in the Top 13
I can promise you I won't run out of steam

Now you may think you have stepped into a new verse of Gangsta's Paradise
 but I am just here to give you a small slice
If you want a chance to read more of my funny
 I want you to know I cant be held responsible for you spitting out your tea

This is just an introduction to my flow and my style
I invite you to reflect on my rhymes and ask me to stay awhile 

I don't mean to brag I don't mean to boast
But my followers are the best from coast to coast
They come from all backgrounds, all walks, all ages,
I've only had to ban a few a holes and clear the air with hippy sages

I write about my wins
Sometimes I even write about my wrongs
And sometimes when I get nervous for something I bust out in a lame rap songs!
I give my 2 cents of advice away in a feature on my blog called
Ask Humble Anything Day
I talk about my man, and I talk about my mom
If you ask me who shot first
I'll tell you it was Han...

I may not know everything that it takes to be a great writer
But connecting with people, lettin them know they aren't alone, is what I'm after

You see
I am bi polar and also have OCD
but don't worry about that
because I am mostly happy and free

When I feel real low
or even feel like shit
I tell myself I just can't quit
My family relies on me
Yes, 5 kids, it's true
And if you tell me I have my hands full I am going have to punch you

I look forward every day to bringing a slice of myself to my fans
Because sometimes I am feeling overwhelmed and nothing comes of my plans

And I have to tell myself that it is alright and 

 it's okay
I have learned that a trip to Ikea and goals in life are the same

 both cannot be conquered in one day

I have been amazed at all the people I have met, and have learned that sharing
smiles are fun, like hugs and boobs.
Nothing rhymes with boobs but that's not stoppin my flow
I am a writing rockstar,  and that is something you should know
I am honest and real, and all kidding aside
I am grateful for everything, that is something I can't hide

My mission for today
 is to
send this audition

 And I hope that you will accept my submission
In the Blogger Idol
I could really breakthrough
and maybe in the end
I will make a Humbler out of you.

(lights fade to black)
(hopefully applause and gun shots)

I think I won the Internet

I was bestowed the Liebster Blog Award from The Plucky Procrasinator 
and look at how cute it is!

It is awesome enough getting a pat on the back from followers and friends, but there really is something special about be being recognized by other bloggers.
It is not easy putting yourself out there day after day, post after post, and criticism on the Internet is in no short supply so it is rather nice having someone else who is also putting themselves out there to take a moment and appreciate you.

How the Liebster Award works...

1. Thank the Leibster Award presenter on your blog
2. Link back to the blogger who presented it to you
3. Copy and paste the award on your blog
4. Present the award to 5 blogs that deserve to be noticed
5. Let them know they have been presented with the Liebster Award by commenting on their blog
6. Jump on one foot
7. Make a wish
8. Remember you are awesome

Here are the blogs that I think deserve special recognition for putting themselves and their words out there.

a.k.a. The Crumb Diaries
Allyson's blog is honest, loving, funny, and most of all REAL.
She is a special needs mama to Logan, who is guaranteed to put a smile on your face, and also her recently married daughter. Allyson is an inspiring person, THE most loving of mothers, and always makes me feel like I am a better person just to have known her.
Oh and she is easy on the eyes to boot.

Shut The Trap Door
I have been stalkering her blog for awhile now, and I am continuously impressed with her perseverance. She is a great writer, funny, and honest.
And now that she is reading this I should say hi to her personally..
We are a lot alike.
Keep doing what you are doing.

The Status Woe
This is a newish blog, but I assure you it's the shit.
Kelli is amazing.
She has a talk show, a website, a book.
I am so excited she has a blog now, you have no idea.

Diary of an Unbreakable Mom
Love her, love her blog, I want her to keep going, to know that I read it, and that I want others to read it too.

What I Had REALLY Meant To Say Was...
I secretly feel that if I had a sister, I would want her to be it.
I guess that's not a secret any longer.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Blogger Idol (bitches)

Important Announcement
(recognize the large print...emphasizing the importance)
I am auditioning for Blogger Idol 2012


(and possibly applause)

Now for the important details(large fonts people...look alive)

I have been blogging for less than a year so maybe I am not THE best choice in terms of being the greatest writer or having the snazziest blog, but I think my blog has some pretty awesome followers and that sure as shit didn't happen by accident.
I worked for it.
Which is why I said "what the hay I'll audition...maybe I will even find new awesome people to join me in my quest to find a quest and we all can become master and commander of quests...or something.."
The point is, it sounds like fun.
IF I make it to the TOP 13 after my audition, then just like the  singing version of Idol, there will be writing assignments, judges scores, and eliminations.
How can YOU help??
You can visit the Blogger Idol Facebook Page
and tell them you are voting for me! Also, there are many other fantastic blogs in the running, vote for ALL of your favorites!
Also, you can head over the the Blogger Idol Website
and leave them a comment saying you are voting for me!
Twitter Your Vote!
If YOU are a blogger and also a rockstar follow the links above to find out how to audition!
There are PRIZES to be won and most of all fun to be had!

Thank you for your support Humblers!
xoxo Humble

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Ask Humble Anything 2.0 Meatball, Eyeball, And Ovaries

Here is the second half of last weeks questions. Thank you for the questions and as always, feel free to add comments and suggestions.
Let's do this!

Dear Humble,

My coworker is the same age as me, 24. She has been in a relationship with the same guy for 5 almost 6 years, and they have a 2 year old together. She has never cheated, but the past few months has noticed her eye wandering. She is questioning whether or not this is because she wants something different, or maybe because she has been with the same person from such a young age, but she finds herself wondering what it would be like to be with a different man. She has tried discussing this with her boyfriend, but his solution was to spice things up...they are still quite bland. She asked me for advice, but I cannot relate. Ideas on what she should do or why she is feeling this way?
Sincerely, Help!

Dear Help Humbler,

I am glad you asked this, because I think a lot, if not all couples go through this at some point or another when they have been committed to each other for a long ass time. I am no expert, but in order to give my advice I am going to break down the situation bit by bit.
So your friend and her bf have been together for nearly 6 years, they have a 2 year old. So for about 4 years they were child free. Questions to consider...did she feel this way at all pre child? If she didn't, it is reasonable to assume that the dynamic in their relationship has changed and that can be hard on either or both people. I have heard some people say after they had a child that it wasn't what they expected (not the kid but the parenting together part) or that they are burned the fuck out (that was me, I said that) and their burn out in one area is fucking up other areas. Are you following me? No? Lemme splain. Kids change everything. They burn into your soul like the little incubus's that they are and change how you interact with people, what you are able to accomplish, your brain, hell even your ass. And in dealing with these changes we tend to over analyze everything trying to salvage our sense of selves. Now, that is just one little point I wanted to clarify, before we get down to the nitty gritty. Here are the things she needs to ask herself. Big. Questions.
And for the record, I have given other people this same talk, so I am not an expert but people seem to think it is genius.
Relationships are a commitment and they take work. Sometimes you don't have to work at all, you just have to not lose your shit on the other person and tell them they are hot occasionally. Show them how much you care and teach them how to do the same for you. Now, about the wandering eye. People, not even a specific person, just people in general, are going to come into your life and blow your mind. They are going to be smart. They might even be funny. Or just really hot. You are going to be connected to them either with your brain, your sexual desire, or even both. It happens. It happens to everyone. There is just a lot of people in the world, you know? So its just bound to happen. But, this has actually nothing to do with how committed you are to the person you are with. These people that are awesome with a side of awesome, are always going to be there, out in the world, doing their thang. And you can still continue doing yours. Now, what she has to ask herself, is that is she done with her relationship? Does she feel she is ready to move on? Does she not imagine herself with her significant other in a year? 2 years? 3? So forth? Because it really has nothing to do with other people, as much as it does as with her commitment to stay in her relationship. Because people are always going to be there, you are always going to wonder, but the thing that keeps you from actually acting upon it, is your desire to stay in your relationship and achieve your goals with your significant other.
So my advice is to assess how into the relationship she is, if all it is, is that she wonders what it's like, well that doesn't necessarily mean she is done it just means she is human.


Dear Humble,
So, my questions is this - How the hell do I handle my sister?? I found out last month that she is dating my ex boyfriend of 2 years.
Normally would not be a big issue, I'd play it off as disgusting and have fun getting porked by my dirty leftovers, but the fact is I have a son (not his) and he was there for 2 years of his life, not to mention the miscarriage. According to my brother's drunken honey badger, they have been dating since February but no one told me until July. Best part, I found out from my brother's best friend at Thursday taco night at your local redneck bar.  I don't want my son to be re-exposed to this short statured asshole, my boyfriend (who we live with and admits he bought the house for me) doesn't want anything to do with them and frankly my life would be a living dream if I never
had to encounter him again. My whoreo of a sister has never spoken a word to me of this besides, I didn't try to hurt your feelings hope your over it -- sent via text message. I'm really good at tuning out certain people and situations..but eventually it will have to be addressed and I'm shit out of luck on a wonderful idea.
Looking for some vast wisdom from you!
Sisters Can Be Shitsters

Dear Shitsters,
I think your best bet is not dealing with this at all. Be polite to your sister, accept the relationship, because she is your sister and ovaries before brovaries and all that jazz. But you don't have to support it. Her being your sister is separate from her being with him. Keep it that way. Let her know you don't want your son around him, and in explaining it to her keep it simple. "Don't want him around (son's name here) because it brings up bad memories" No further explanation necessary. She wants to act like it is a big ass secret, let her. Not your life. But when he shits on her do your best to refrain from saying "Told you that dick is cray" Because she will already know. And who knows, maybe this is the start of a beautiful relationship and he won't be an asshole to her. And if he is, lace up your shit kickers.

Dear Humble,

I'm relatively new to your Humbleness but I'm drunk as shizzle and I have a
ton of junk on my mind so I will ask the advice of Miss Humble on this
"relationshit" (as you so succinctly put it) problem I have been having. My bf is a total chauvinist pig and a complete asshead 99.9% of the time. He and I have been together for almost 4 years and for awhile he was on to me about not making enough money (I bartend for $3 an hour and he is a semi driver) I understood where he was coming from so I volunteered for super mega extra hours. Now I'm making ok-ish money and his ranting and raving has turned in a completely different direction. He now rips me day and night about the sex side of the relationship. Now, I can sort of see his point of view but the problem comes in when I realize that every single night when I get home from work, he is sitting in our living room with 3-5 other guys screaming sports or passed out drunk on the couch. I can't change the bedroom portion of our relationship if there's never a chance for me to go for it. No matter how many times I tell him it doesn't make sense to hold it against me when he doesn't make time for "us", it makes no difference. It almost feels to me like he is pushing problems in to put an end to our relationship but it could also be because I'm little miss paranoid. An outside opinion would help me out quite a bit!

Dear Pushed,
I am assuming you are intelligent. And that you want to be in this relationship, since you wrote me the question, people that don't care, don't ask. So it is with that understanding that I am going to ask if you have talked to him about this. Have you made an effort to alert him of a cozy afternoon that you had planned for just you two and that his friends are not invited? Also, what has HE done to make an effort? Has he just said he would like to do it more, or has he actually tried. Because you my friend are not a fucking suggestion box. If he hasn't made an effort, and has not responded to your efforts, then wtf. WHAT THE FUCK. If you feel like he is just up problems and he is not working towards the solution then he is exactly what you think he is, a d bag.
Now, if you love him, and he honestly loves you, then GREAT! But love ain't enough. If you are willing to work for it, he has to be too. If he is not, then he is not. Can't mold a man out of a meatball. Best of luck to you! xo

Monday, September 3, 2012

I am getting old.

 My birthday is on the 5th, and I have reached a milestone.
           I have lived long enough to see fashion repeat itself, first hand.

I saw this exact pair of jeans on display at the mall.
In 2012.
And for the low price of 80 dollars, you too can look like you shopped the Wrangler collection at Wal Mart in 1992.
Back in my day (I can say that now...this is so exciting) I liked to wear these jeans with my Lion King shirt with a shirt clip and Luke Perry portrait earrings.
But now that I am a grown up I can wear these with whatever I damn well please and I can worry about how I am going to pay the electricity bill after splurging on these bad ass motherfuckers, IN STYLE.

If you are feeling fancy, which let's face it, we all love to feel fancy, I suggest these...

You know what I called these back in my day?
I would pair these with a nice white button up shirt with ruffles on the sleeves and black dress up boots with my Luke Perry portrait earrings (CHIC!)
Sometimes I would even wear them with my Lion King shirt. I was such a rebel.
But now I can wear them whenever the fuck I want because I am a grown up now. And for the low low price of 60 dollars I can take my Laura Ashley ass to all the most grown up places in town.
Hell I might even wear them with a casual shirt.
Party on the top, business on the bottom ya'll.

Kids these days and their fashions. They think I am not young and hip? Well I have news for them, I am already ahead of the game and stocking up on scrunchies.