Here is the second half of last weeks questions. Thank you for the questions and as always, feel free to add comments and suggestions.
Let's do this!
Let's do this!
My coworker is the same age as me, 24. She has been in a relationship with the same guy for 5 almost 6 years, and they have a 2 year old together. She has never cheated, but the past few months has noticed her eye wandering. She is questioning whether or not this is because she wants something different, or maybe because she has been with the same person from such a young age, but she finds herself wondering what it would be like to be with a different man. She has tried discussing this with her boyfriend, but his solution was to spice things up...they are still quite bland. She asked me for advice, but I cannot relate. Ideas on what she should do or why she is feeling this way?
Dear Help Humbler,
I am glad you asked this, because I think a lot, if not all couples go through this at some point or another when they have been committed to each other for a long ass time. I am no expert, but in order to give my advice I am going to break down the situation bit by bit.
So your friend and her bf have been together for nearly 6 years, they have a 2 year old. So for about 4 years they were child free. Questions to consider...did she feel this way at all pre child? If she didn't, it is reasonable to assume that the dynamic in their relationship has changed and that can be hard on either or both people. I have heard some people say after they had a child that it wasn't what they expected (not the kid but the parenting together part) or that they are burned the fuck out (that was me, I said that) and their burn out in one area is fucking up other areas. Are you following me? No? Lemme splain. Kids change everything. They burn into your soul like the little incubus's that they are and change how you interact with people, what you are able to accomplish, your brain, hell even your ass. And in dealing with these changes we tend to over analyze everything trying to salvage our sense of selves. Now, that is just one little point I wanted to clarify, before we get down to the nitty gritty. Here are the things she needs to ask herself. Big. Questions.
And for the record, I have given other people this same talk, so I am not an expert but people seem to think it is genius.
Relationships are a commitment and they take work. Sometimes you don't have to work at all, you just have to not lose your shit on the other person and tell them they are hot occasionally. Show them how much you care and teach them how to do the same for you. Now, about the wandering eye. People, not even a specific person, just people in general, are going to come into your life and blow your mind. They are going to be smart. They might even be funny. Or just really hot. You are going to be connected to them either with your brain, your sexual desire, or even both. It happens. It happens to everyone. There is just a lot of people in the world, you know? So its just bound to happen. But, this has actually nothing to do with how committed you are to the person you are with. These people that are awesome with a side of awesome, are always going to be there, out in the world, doing their thang. And you can still continue doing yours. Now, what she has to ask herself, is that is she done with her relationship? Does she feel she is ready to move on? Does she not imagine herself with her significant other in a year? 2 years? 3? So forth? Because it really has nothing to do with other people, as much as it does as with her commitment to stay in her relationship. Because people are always going to be there, you are always going to wonder, but the thing that keeps you from actually acting upon it, is your desire to stay in your relationship and achieve your goals with your significant other.
So my advice is to assess how into the relationship she is, if all it is, is that she wonders what it's like, well that doesn't necessarily mean she is done it just means she is human.
So, my questions is this - How the hell do I handle my sister?? I found out last month that she is dating my ex boyfriend of 2 years.
Normally would not be a big issue, I'd play it off as disgusting and have fun getting porked by my dirty leftovers, but the fact is I have a son (not his) and he was there for 2 years of his life, not to mention the miscarriage. According to my brother's drunken honey badger, they have been dating since February but no one told me until July. Best part, I found out from my brother's best friend at Thursday taco night at your local redneck bar. I don't want my son to be re-exposed to this short statured asshole, my boyfriend (who we live with and admits he bought the house for me) doesn't want anything to do with them and frankly my life would be a living dream if I never
had to encounter him again. My whoreo of a sister has never spoken a word to me of this besides, I didn't try to hurt your feelings hope your over it -- sent via text message. I'm really good at tuning out certain people and situations..but eventually it will have to be addressed and I'm shit out of luck on a wonderful idea.
Looking for some vast wisdom from you!
Sisters Can Be Shitsters
I think your best bet is not dealing with this at all. Be polite to your sister, accept the relationship, because she is your sister and ovaries before brovaries and all that jazz. But you don't have to support it. Her being your sister is separate from her being with him. Keep it that way. Let her know you don't want your son around him, and in explaining it to her keep it simple. "Don't want him around (son's name here) because it brings up bad memories" No further explanation necessary. She wants to act like it is a big ass secret, let her. Not your life. But when he shits on her do your best to refrain from saying "Told you that dick is cray" Because she will already know. And who knows, maybe this is the start of a beautiful relationship and he won't be an asshole to her. And if he is, lace up your shit kickers.
I'm relatively new to your Humbleness but I'm drunk as shizzle and I have a
ton of junk on my mind so I will ask the advice of Miss Humble on this
"relationshit" (as you so succinctly put it) problem I have been having. My bf is a total chauvinist pig and a complete asshead 99.9% of the time. He and I have been together for almost 4 years and for awhile he was on to me about not making enough money (I bartend for $3 an hour and he is a semi driver) I understood where he was coming from so I volunteered for super mega extra hours. Now I'm making ok-ish money and his ranting and raving has turned in a completely different direction. He now rips me day and night about the sex side of the relationship. Now, I can sort of see his point of view but the problem comes in when I realize that every single night when I get home from work, he is sitting in our living room with 3-5 other guys screaming sports or passed out drunk on the couch. I can't change the bedroom portion of our relationship if there's never a chance for me to go for it. No matter how many times I tell him it doesn't make sense to hold it against me when he doesn't make time for "us", it makes no difference. It almost feels to me like he is pushing problems in to put an end to our relationship but it could also be because I'm little miss paranoid. An outside opinion would help me out quite a bit!Sincerely,
I am assuming you are intelligent. And that you want to be in this relationship, since you wrote me the question, people that don't care, don't ask. So it is with that understanding that I am going to ask if you have talked to him about this. Have you made an effort to alert him of a cozy afternoon that you had planned for just you two and that his friends are not invited? Also, what has HE done to make an effort? Has he just said he would like to do it more, or has he actually tried. Because you my friend are not a fucking suggestion box. If he hasn't made an effort, and has not responded to your efforts, then wtf. WHAT THE FUCK. If you feel like he is just up problems and he is not working towards the solution then he is exactly what you think he is, a d bag.
Now, if you love him, and he honestly loves you, then GREAT! But love ain't enough. If you are willing to work for it, he has to be too. If he is not, then he is not. Can't mold a man out of a meatball. Best of luck to you! xo