Monday, April 30, 2012

Humble: Level Expert

There is a baby shower game/activity that I freakin hate. I mean, its sentimental and cute, much unlike the "guess how huge mom is by lengths of toilet paper sheets" but it is annoying none the less. It is pretty simple, everyone gets a little card and they write their best piece of baby advice and then it all goes in a little book for the mom and dad to read when they are up at 2 a.m. wondering what Grandma Gertrude's recipe was for teething (straight Gin by the way. The good shit. Right on the gums. Don't get carried away or you'll have an Uncle Bobby on your hands.) and also to see what words of loving guidance your mother in law wrote. (pffft)
Usually when it is my turn I write the same shit that I always tell people when they ask for my general advice with baby/kid harvesting/farming

You already know it all. You just have to trust that you do.

This is not pleasing to most people, they want more details, they want my "secrets" to raising awesome children, for getting through a sleepless night, for my method of discipline, I mean I have 5 kids so I must be an expert on this subject, right? (wrong, although in some countries I am considered a midwife) I mean I do have lots of great advice its just, sigh, it just doesn't matter what my advice is. Unless you want my opinion on crying it out (don't) how long to breastfeed (however long you want. period.) and how I feel about time outs (pffft) I'll tell ya. But I am not an expert. Alas, I am just sick of being asked questions that are better answered with your own experiences. Child raising isn't a test, so there are, simply put, no right answers, only your answers. I am also rather tired of people giving me their advice, or asking questions on my personal situation of having 5 humans materializing out of my vagina-gate.
I am so tired of it that I am dedicating a whole blog post to it.

Its called "What not to say to Moms with a shit ton of kids at the store"

1. Are these all yours?
My answer: Yes.
My thoughts: I am not walking dogs, unless you count the child who is licking gum off the floor. Please don't ask me anything else, I am just here for a few things and I am about to forget the fancy lube if I am distracted one more time.

2. You're lucky you are young. You must have so much energy.
My answer: You betcha.
My thoughts: I need to stop doing jumping jacks, this Adderall is so awesome! I am not even hungry! Fuck I think I'm getting a head ache...what am I here for? Bananas, juice boxes, stamps, and what was the last thing? It was something sexy fuck I forgot, fancy lube that's it!

3. Are you done?
My answer: No I think I am forgetting something. I think I have a list in my purse.
My thoughts: I know what you meant and its none of your business what my uterus does. Fuck I forgot something. Bananas, juice boxes, stamps, is that all I am here for?

4.So you're getting your tubes tied right?
My answer: YUP
My thoughts: Fucking a. Now I just have to make this person go away, just say whatever they want to hear, and make them go away. Wheres my son? Shit. Shit. Shit. Oh wait there he is. Must stop doing jumping jacks and talking to this person. Dude, when I get home I am trying on those size 6's I seriously think they will fit today.

5. Are they all from the same dad?
My answer: They are all from the same mom.
My thoughts: Which is why they are all totally pissed that you are still existing in their environment, I am pretty sure Eldest is going to strangle this person. I should just let this happen. I am going to run in place and watch the magic.

6.I would never have the patience for that, I can barely handle my own.
My answer: I wouldn't be able to handle yours either.
My thoughts: BOOM MOTHERFUCKER. How dare you insinuate my kids are some sort of derelict crazy people who need to be tazed to put under control. SAY SOMETHING ELSE. I DARE YOU.

7.You know what causes this right?
My answer: YUP.
My thoughts: SEX. I hope this person doesn't do it. They seem like they would be into some weird shit anyways. Like playing 20 fucking questions for foreplay. I bet they'd never shut up. "Do you like it?" "How much?" bahahaha

8.Ever heard of a condom?
My answer:Yea, I sure hope you use them.
My thoughts: Condom, wait was I here for that? No...something related...fuck I'm never going to remember. Ewww I bet this person uses the ribbed kind...for her we still have Wayne's World or did the kids scratch it?

9. You must be Catholic
My answer:Nope
My thoughts: I like how people assume I am Catholic and never Mormon, I mean why else would a white woman have a bunch of Mexican kids. OH MY GOD I REMEMBER NOW...Coffee creamer!! That's what I am forgetting!!

10. I don't know how you do it.
My answer: Me neither!
My thoughts: Thanks for reminding me you just reminded me I need fancy lube! Wait...I can't buy that...half of these kids can read labels....ughhhhhhhh crap.

11. You must be an expert
My answer and my thoughts: Yep, you should totally read my blog.

By the way, does anyone have the hookups for Adderall? I ran out.


  1. LOVE this and, possibly you. That would be stalkery and weird to profess love istantly. I'll hold out for a few more blog posts before I propose. Word. My favorite comment out at the store with my 4 kids: Random old hag: "One, two, three, four...that's enough!"

  2. Anonymous5/01/2012

    Hilarious. I'd get so damn tired of those questions.I'm sure you handle them better than I would.

  3. Love it... And love my Adderall too- I totally get you there... Lol

  4. My mommy soulmate... someone who actually gets it..

  5. You are the shyt girlfriend!!! Love youuuuu!!!!!

  6. Thank you for the coffee that just blew out of my nose. This was awesome.

  7. I keep telling my pregnant sister that she needs to learn to tune others out now, because once she starts to look pregnant and even more when the kid is outside of her uterus, there are going to be "experts" popping up like cockaroaches. She just nods at me for now...

  8. I get even crazier questions. Like, are they your foster children? Because, yes my step children are mixed and yes they actually have a black mother and I am NOT her but they are MINE! Ugh People are just annoying!

    Love this post and your Blog.

  9. Okay...I've gone from crying about Jedi (the list) to laughing at this. I wrote something similar about what not to say at a funeral. Flipping love your blog.

  10. You. Complete. Me. *le sigh*

  11. Oh. My. God. You seriously made me belly laugh. Needed that today. Great post. Great sense of humor. I hope you found your fancy lube. Love it!

  12. LMAO! Oh, how I love you! (Yeah, I got the hookup.. jk jk)