Sunday, December 23, 2012

Best. Christmas. Ever.

When I was 3 or 4 years old there was one present that I wanted to see under the tree more than any other. My need for this magical item was pretty intense starting when I would watch the commercials that popped up during the beginning of the season and the intensity would grow each time I witnessed the magic....


I remember I would drag my mom to the living room every time the commercial played.
Sometimes I would just shout
and my mom would say, "That's nice, sweetie."
Because I pretty much wanted everything I saw on the TV.
Christmas would come, and I would be overwhelmed with many presents.
Hula hoops, dolls, board games, more dolls, clothes, movies, bikes, books, hell I even got my own TV when I was 7.
While I was busy opening tea sets and dressing to the nines in my new bridal wear, I would forget that one present that I really wanted, was missing.
There were LOTS of things missing, because I asked for everything.
But I truly appreciated everything that Santa and my parents got me, so I would forget about it.
At the end of the following year, those commercials would start up again, and again, I would beg my mom for a Chia pet.

And again, I would be blessed with an insane amount of presents, and soon forget it.
Except every year my need for a Chia Pet, grew stronger.

I have asked for one, every.single.year.
Why didn't I just buy one?
I don't know.
Maybe because I dropped enough hints every year that I figured someone would surely know to get me it. And by hints I mean, yelling at telling anyone who might be wondering what I want for Christmas, that I want a Chia Pet.

A few years ago (and by a few, I mean 3, so I was 25) my mom got me a Chia Pet.
I was excited beyond words.
I hugged the box....I thanked my mom over and over...I ripped off the plastic and opened the box.
I dutifully followed the directions.
I spread those goddamn seeds with such precision and love.
You have no idea the psychotic thrill I got from it.
"yes...spread the like it....mwahahaha"
The kids looked at me like I was a maniac, especially so when my ogre voice turned on full volume, when they asked if they could help.
"NO IT'S MINE!"...."I mean, yeah, just in this one centimeter wide spot...okay okay, that's enough for you...this is an adult job"
Per Chia instructions, I placed my Cat (of course it was a cat) into a grocery bag, tied the bag in a knot, and placed it verrrry carefully in the sun, outside.
I may have glared at the children and mumbled something about never making anyone pancakes ever again, if they knock it over and break it.
I can't remember because what happened after is a blur.
I noticed when I pulled up in my driveway the following day, that the bag was gone.
I searched, I yelled at the kids "WHERE IS IT!?" and I looked everywhere.
Then I remembered that the gardeners had been there that day.

They must have thought it was trash.
Or there was a criminal on the streets who wanted to ruin my fucking life.
I thought about putting up "Lost Chia Pet" posters for a split second. But the kids were all looking at me funny while I sat on the floor where my Chia Cat was supposed to be basking in the sun, hugging my arms around myself as if I had already been committed.
When I am upset, no matter if some real tragedy has occurred, or if it's just a minor incident of my childhood dreams being shattered, I cry.
With snot.
And the whole hiccuping so hard I might throw up, thing.
I am also the ugliest crier you have ever seen.
The kids reactions changed from "Crap, mom is upset" to "Oh my, I think her face is melting off, is she going to be able to see with no face? Are we ever going to have pancakes, ever again?!"

Sprite put her arm around my shoulder. She let me wipe my face on her shirt, as I sat in the driveway. She told me she was really sorry. Han said he would ninja kick the robber and get it back.

It was gone.

Every year since, I have still asked for a Chia pet, but with less enthusiasm.

Until I saw this one.

A GNOME CHIA PET?! Holy crap, this is the greatest thing ever. BEARD. BEARD. BEARD.

I posted this gnomie goodness on Instagram.  And I posted it on It's Cool To Be OCD
when he asked on his page what was a present you have always wanted?

This is the part of the story where I just cut to the fucking chase.

It's Cool To Be OCD and Patti from Insane In The Mom Brain
(who are both my really real life friends, although we have never met in person, I assure you that if they called and said their house burned down and they needed beer money, I would personally deliver a keg of whatever they wanted, and I would wipe the soot from their faces and tell them that they are not ugly criers and I would still tap that)



       HOLY SHIT


                                     SQUEEE...LOOK AT HIM...isn't he amazing!?

I have already told him all my secrets and introduced him to my robot collection.
I love him so so so much.
We are the happiest couple ever, and you might find me on that show where the one guy was making out with his car. Things might get a little weird when his beard comes in, but I think I can handle the winds of change. I am considering hiring his own personal security for when we have to be a part, and the kids might be mad that we can't afford pancakes any more, but that is a small price to pay for Homie the Gnomie's comfort and happiness.


  1. This.Is.Awesome.

    Have a long, happy, bearded life together.


  2. Please just don't bag him!

  3. Haha too funny and cute I've always wanted one but never recieved it but later on in life I learned that I can't keep a plant alive tried many times but gave up :( lol

    <3 Savy Pickles

  4. Good luck with Gnomie! He is very cute. I really, really hope that his beard will grow for you. We once had a kitty cat chia pet and it just went icky in our stupid climate. :( Have a wonderful and terrific and magic Christmas.

  5. LMAO. Chia Gnomes, Chi weenies and Unicorns. The trifecta of all that is weird and awesome at the same time. Nicely done all.

  6. OH MY GOD. I love it!! =D

  7. AWESOME. I can't wait to see the beard pics!!!

  8. I just started following you on facebook and just laughed so hard I cried when I read this, you are awesome!

  9. Oh Humble, I had no idea! That you had lusted after chia for lo these many years!! I was similarly afflicted in my 20's by chia-except a sheep was the only alternative, that's all they made! But the instructions didn't tell you to bag it! But when it's 'wool' grew in, it was lush and magical. I loved him! And when his fur got shriveled and dried up, you could soak him and clean him up with a toothbrush and grow some more!! I finally quit after many bags of 'wool' were harvested, but I kept my sheep on the shelf for many years, until I lost him somewhere in the depths of the basement.Sad. But I know how special it is to get a chia pet, and you got a GNOME!! How ever so cool!!
    I am envious in the extreme!

  10. Love it! I cant wait to see this thing bearded up

  11. You should name him "Norman the Gnoman" or "Normie the Gnomie" hehe Congrats on your favorite gift ever!

  12. Anonymous12/23/2012

    I love me a story with a happy ending!

  13. Love you! Merry Christmas, Doll!

  14. Awww! I hope your gnome one wont get thrown away. Make sure you write on the bag this time.

  15. YES! How did I not know these existed?! I love gnomes and I love Chia! OMG!

  16. I used to want a Chia Pet, but I have a weird thing about hair. Add that to hair being plants, it just gets weird from there. Makes me think of my hair being plants... disturbing.