Happy Fuckin Holidays!

'Tis that time of year..Christmas/Holiday/New Years cards should be arriving any day now....unless folks aren't wasting their time with sending my family a card, since we (or I, rather) cant get our shit together and send one back. But alas this year I'm joining in the time honored tradition of dressing the spawn in merry attire and bribing them to please at least touch shoulders for a family photo to send off. If the children cooperate they can even get an extra present from Santa (because Santa and moms are homies and shit.)  With all the money Ill be spending on stamps to send off this magical moment in time its going to be a toothbrush. If they display a charming smile and a shoulder touch they can even get the Justin Beiber singing in your mouth variety. I don't expect my son to be bribed with an extra present because he is unbribable, unless I bribe him with meeting Doc Brown and taking him on a cruise to go back in time to pick a different family that didn't have so many sisters, hes going to think the whole thing is fucking stupid.

But you wanna know whats even better than sending cards??

Sending Christmas/Holiday/New Years LETTERS of course!!

I am going to be honest, the ones I receive are absolutely adorable. Mostly because they come from adorable families that do lots of things like, "We went on a vacation, kids played sports, little Andrew can now read at a 10th grade level, pretty advanced for a 5 year old!" and I LOVE to spy on adorable families. And families that get way more shit done than my own. It inspires me to be just like them, for like, at least a week. Then my reality kicks in and I realize I havent taken a shower in 4 days and maybe its been a week for the baby, because Im trying to keep up with laundry, advancing peoples reading levels and shopping at Big 5 where I always find the exercise section and go broke trying to buy the best contraption that will make my ass hot in 6 weeks. But I know that what is in these letters is obviously a cut and dry version of their year. I mean, who wants to hear about that not only did you had a baby, but you also had cracked nipples for 10 weeks and still have to ice your tail bone because your pretty sure your precious angel face cracked your ass in half. Literally. (I know this is a true crime story because I myself got my ass cracked in half by a plummeting newborn...it took months before I could sit properly and not shout out "WHAT IN THE FUCK") So what if I, the woman who cant even get her shit together enough for a decent shoulder touching family photo, sent a Christmas/Holiday/New Years letter? Words in parenthesis will obviously be ommitted.

Greetings XYZ Family! We hope this message from our family to yours finds you well. (psst...I don't even know what the fuck that means...but that's how these usually begin)

Our Family had a super fantastic year, and we are so (fucking) excited to start a new one! Because although this year was super fantastically awesome we are ready for another round of (shit storm) adventure!!

This year Eldest Child started middle school! We were pretty nervous (I was pacing the house frantically calling friends for reassurance and asking the universe how they could let this happen to me?) but she seems to be thriving. She even has over a hundred facebook friends! (that I monitor all activities of and report anything that I deem offensive to my child...should she ever look at every single picture her friends have and get crazy ideas...like riding your bike without a helmet! REPORTED) and she is also again a part of the G.A.T.E program which is such an awesome oppurtunity (for me to cry when I help her with homework) and she certainly does love it. Eldest Child is also doing a (shit) ton of fundraisers so if you need wrapping paper, cookie dough, jewelry (boot leg dvds) etc. Shes your girl! Just facebook her! (after I approve the request) Shell get right back to you!

Second Child started 3rd grade and has really taken off in her reading and social skills (they wont fucking stop calling) and on top of that shes even started her very own dog walking business (since tooth fairy often forgets to visit and she wants insane things like a real dog). She is such a joy to have around (she cleans my bathroom and folds our clothes), always has the sweetest hugs (after she has a tantrum that would scare away the most devout priests) and a real knack for art! Shes drawn so many pictures of cats and rabbits that we could start a (creepy) gallery with her talents!

Third Child has started 1st grade with a bang (or a pew pew..he lives on the dark side of the force) and is especially excited to be in boy scouts (anything that has more than one boy is gold in his eyes). His reading is improving (he read the instruction book to Gears of War) and he is fascinated with battle play (he shot his sisters and me at least 56 times in the leg/face/arm/mypregnantbelly with a nerf gun this summer) and with his new baby brother (who he said he would pack extra grenades for when the zombies come) that he loves soooo much!

Fourth Child had a very special birthday, turning 4 and all. She is now finally out of diapers! With a few tricks up our sleeves (told her a pony breaks its leg everytime you shit yourself) and some positive reinforcement (children are like dogs really) she is a potty goin pro! She is talking pretty clearly now and can even write a few words down (I taught her to write the word boob. hilarious!) She is just about ready for preschool (no shes not, she hates kids her own age) and will be soon following the foot steps of her brother and sister to the big elementary school! (in another year...or so...)

Fifth Child is our newest addition and if you havent met him yet your in for a treat! (no seriously dont raise him above your head unless you want him to puke in your mouth) He was born 3 months early and thankfully after a short (insanely horrendous) stay in the NICU, he came home in September, right before his due date. Hes already smiling (and puking) and laughing at everyone (he thinks we are crazy) we are pretty sure he really likes us! (when he is not screaming). The kids help out so much (when they feel like it) and everyone loves to hold the baby (while I bitch about this whole laundry situation and pour myself some wine).

As for me and LifePartner/team mate we are just thrilled to share with you a piece of our world and would love to hear how each of you are doing and what your plans are for the upcoming year (so we can be jealous or make fun of you) and as always we wish you a very Happy Healthy (lit) New Year!