Tuesday, March 20, 2012

My Dark Side

People often ask me "How do you manage 5 kids?" or they say things like "I have 2 and I am going apeshit...I don't know how you do it." You know what I say in response? "Yea, this whole having kids thing just was so easy I decided to be a Duggar, but without the religion or disgusting casseroles." That's right. I fucking lie. This may come as a shock to you, since I am so honest on my blog and my facebook page. But what I say on line and what I say to your face in person are two different things. Why? Because I don't want to scare well meaning people who are just trying to make conversation, or are nosy as fuck and don't really care (I bet these nosy fucks are addicted to reality tv as well...I am not a reality show..stop asking me if all the kids have the same dad, when am I getting my tubes tied, and how much money I make, like this is some episode of MTV's true life: I hoard children.)

The truth is. I struggle. Hardcore. My house is a wreck right now for example. I have been telling myself for months that it was okay and everyone who enters the domain is going to forgive me because I just had a baby. It hit me yesterday though. I didn't just have a baby. The baby is nearly 9 months old. Soon, he will be crawling. This terrifies me. His little hands and knees and mouth are going to come in contact with the floors, the walls, the toys, the microscopic cracker crumbs in the corner, the dead flies on the window sill, etc. I told myself when I was pregnant with him, that I could organize and clean everything when that nesting instinct kicked in around 7 months, just like I did when I was knocked up the previous times.

Except I never made it to 7 months pregnant.
The other thing I realized is that my house is so bad right now, if Nate Berkus showed up, he would have to get the folks on Hoarders to come bring their dump trucks first. I honestly don't get it. I have no attachments to items. I throw shit away all the time. I am constantly doing laundry. Constantly cleaning up someone, or someones mess. And still. This place is a hovel.

Also the other interesting twist to my dilemma, is that I have OCD.
Now I know that everyone feels like they have OCD at times, and when I tell people this they usually come up with some OCD-like symptom to make an example of how they too have OCD. Your color coded book collection, your obsession with vacuuming in a specific pattern, your awesomely famous way of making your bed, are all something to behold. But you are probably fine.
Here are my examples of OCD (not to say I am proposing that I am the only one that suffers this bat shit crazy way of life, my OCD folks out there will want to high five me for telling it like it is, because half of this shit is not talked about because it is so absurd)

~I can tell you exactly how that stain got there, because I cringe ever since it happened. Every stain on the carpet. Except the one under Sprite's desk. I smelled it. I think it is milk. But she hates milk, so I can't be sure.

~I always ALWAYS buy the second item behind the first item displayed. The first one has been touched, and therefore, is disgusting and not as fresh.

~If I see a cluttery mess, I have no problem throwing it all away. Unless it is truly valuable and unreplaceable.

~I feel guilty about going to bed. I berate myself about dirty dishes as I drift off to sleep.

~I have a physical twitch if I touch something greasy. My eyes water. I wash my hands repeatedly every time I touch something oily. Also static makes my eyes water. If I see a balloon, my fucking eyes water. Just thinking about the crackle sound in the clothes that come out of the dryer, makes me tear up.

~If I can't do something that I really feel needs to be done. My whole world crashes. This happens every day.

~I can't decide anything. Therefore, I hate shopping. I have to have a pre set list, or I will stand in the shampoo aisle for 30 minutes. I will walk circles in the clothes department if I am just browsing and do not have an actual need. I have to know EXACTLY what I am there for so I can narrow it down.

~I can't park my van unless it feels right. I will circle a parking lot 20 times looking for the spot "that feels right" and I am a checker. I repeatedly lock and unlock my doors, repeatedly look in my purse to make sure I have my keys before I leave the car un locked. I keep it un locked in case I lose my keys. This makes zero sense. But "it feels right."

~If my handwriting changes half way through writing out my uber specific to do list. I start over.

~My house and my environment hold my self worth. I will tell myself that I am a fat lazy heffer as I walk by a cluttery mess. I have been in years of therapy so I just repeat to myself that my house can burn down in flames and we could get a new one. But if I went down in flames, people would be traumatized for life.
I am worth more than my house.

~I can't eat left overs. It is not new. It is not fresh. It feels touched.

This is just a small snap shot of the things that I often deal with. The rest of it, I have learned to manage. But right now, this whole OCD and house situation is driving me banana sandwich. It is holding me back from going places, literally and metaphorically, and frankly, I am sick of it.

So, instead of climbing in my bed and saying "fuck this shit in the neck," I am going to do what I have done countless times to set my shit straight. I am going to keep telling myself, that despite my un organized everything, I am a fantastic mother. Despite that cake batter that is on the ceiling, I am not worthless. And despite having desperately low self esteem, The Biff thinks I am fucking wonderful.

If I keep doing this mix of pumping myself up and actually taking steps to achieve balance, maybe when Nate shows up, I will actually let him come inside.

For the people who have actually been to my house. I apologize. Instead of getting ready for your visit, I was doing this:


  1. Anonymous3/20/2012

    Oh, I so totally understand. I have 4 kids and most of your OCD list applies to me, too.
    Thank you for sharing. If you are like me, I know it was hard as fuck to admit any of that.

  2. Hey Humble- I loved this blog so much! I sometimes tell people some of my f*cked OCD stuff, but truly would only tell a few people my main CRAZIER things...Usually I just talk about peoples OCD that I know...like this one person that has to count her dishes 27 x as she puts them into the dishwasher.....and then in multiples of 27 thereafter....and when she stops at a number like 10 and doesn't have more dirty dishes- she gets clean dishes out of the cupboard. NOT ME! I swear this one isn't me.... My son has the- grab the second coke behind the first one on the shelf....which I had never heard of before he told me his stuff a few weeks ago when I asked why he was grabbing chips and cokes from behind things....He explained that the stuff had been touched multiple times and the stuff behind had been handled less. I was floored that someone so young could have OCD like that. It seems like my kids would have gotten my OCD. I DON'T KNOW...It's just crazy how our brains work. I also suffer from something that may or may not be called harmings disease....I am one of the most loving people I know....HONESTLY...however...Sometimes I feel like poking people in the neck with random sharp objects or weird shit like that. I would of course never act out in this way....but just the thoughts ALONE- kill me. My meds help a super lot....but it still pops up sometimes. I know of two people in my family that have these same kind of intrusive thought patterns...and they are both SUPER close to me. Thankfully I have NEVER (honestly) had a thought of harming one of the kids. EVER. I am lucky cuz some completely people do have those kind of intrusive thoughts. We should count our blessings that we just wash our hands a grip or in my case.....Listen closely after someone uses the restroom to see if they wash their hands.... MAINLY YOUNG PEOPLE that come over. Not sure why.

    1. I meant to write the word "NORMAL" between the words- "completely" and- "people" in this novel....instantly realizing no one is completely NORMAL. So I erased the word: NORMAL and forgot a replacement. OOPSIE...

  3. And girl....everyone with kids has struggled with their house. If they haven't they are lying.If I took a video of what my house looks like today....you would shit your pants...and I cleaned the f*ck out of it yesterday...and did tons of laundry....LORD HELP ME putting it away though. When my kids were little I spent MOST my time with them.... and when you wrote that stuff that one time about Lets fucking put some train tracks together.... I about spit my water right through my nose. I remember all that. You will look back fondly on this time you get with the kids.....Although the house being topsy turvey always paid a toll on my relationship with my husband..... Sorry- I'd rather play legos or little people and blow bubbles and play with playdough all day than clean the kitchen....but whatev...I'm gettting much better now that my kids are 18 and 15. LMAO.... This one book helped me tremendously... Magical Housekeeping by Tess Whitehurst or some shit. It's an awesome book. My favorite this year. I even wrote a review on amazon about that awesome book. My new therapist has helped me a ton too....So like when I do the suck ass dishes...I am telling myself....I am doing these dishes because I want to show everyone in the house that I care. It helps that everyone is super helpful around here too....but our house is still a dump. I didn't get EVERYTHING on my list done yesterday....but I did get most the stuff done. - House=Jacked up.....Over freaking night. Although- I am not counting the closets and around the desk and shit. I just did main clean-up jazz. I think I failed putting up laundry 101. On the other HAND....I so totally rock at making shit we dont really need, like firestarters, gallons n gallons of laundry detergent, tons of bubbles for a friends kid that I adore, and of course I plan on making soft soap today cuz my 15 year old son blows though that shit like its water. (THAT WE DO NEED A BATCH OF) I can't cook food to save my life though. Only like 2 things. Spaghetti and meatloaf. But I could make a batch of bubbles with my eyes sewn shut.......no freakin joke, dude.

  4. Sidenote My handwriting does change....as if I am Cybil from that crazy multiple personality disorder movie from the 70's staring that Gidget chick.. Sally Fields. I can't help it..... but I only start over if I am sending it to someone I am not close with- someone that might judge my handwriting....then I do it over and over till it's short and unison. Cuz If it gets lengthy- the handwriting WILL MOST DEFINATELY CHANGE....even no joke...from cursive to print to all caps to bubbly to size variations...yadda yadda yadda. My signature is always ENORMOUS. My sister says it's cuz I am a loud person...and extremely extroverted. Usually this is true, but I am also highly socially phobic sometimes and can barely muster the strength to step outside my own door sometimes. If I do muster the strength...I have to peek out the window to make sure no neighbors are in their yards that I may have to wave to. I'm so bipolar that this varies with depression and mania...and is fine if I am somewhere on an even frequency.....Usually I adore my neighbors....well not the little old pediphile dood that lives a few houses over on the other side of the street. I am blessed that one of my closest friends lives on my block...we can have a beer at night and walk back between the houses. I am so thankful she moved so close to me....I am rambling and I am not even manic or anything....I know people tell you every single day how much they relate to you.....this is one of the ways I can relate to you. That and you are fucking hilarious. I also tend to gravitate towards other great moms. My kids would be mortified if they heard me say- I am a cool mom.....but I am. One of the coolest.....I may be vulgar and I may cuss like a sailor, I may say really inappropriate things at times....but I am a damn good mother. You can tell I played with my kids, you can tell I read to my kids and you can tell that they I pretty much rock cuz I raised two awesome kids that both seriously ROCK. Both introverts. BTW...just sayin......The questions that people ask you are CRAZY....I can't even begin to imagine asking such fucked up shit to a stranger...... I can't even imagine how that must feel. It must be mixed feelings like when people come up and start touching my tattoos. Usually I am not offended....just taken aback a bit. I have only been completely ooged out like twice....where I physically almost got sick because of the energy of the people doing the touching. My intrusive thoughts were telling me more than to just poke em with a pen.... I'll leave it at that. You should definitely check that book out at your local library....Its so awesome. Magical Housekeeping. IDK....maybe it's not your thing...but I found it to be very helpful. Love and Light, Ellie

  5. I'll spare you all the PS stuff I wrote. I can't believe my comment was so long it took 3-4 comments. My PS stuff had to do with a blog you wrote before my surgery. It made me so sick.....OH MAN- I will spare you the details....but I hope people quit doing that crap too....Snot rockets and lugie hacking. Nuff said.

  6. Anonymous3/20/2012

    You are a good mom, and this video of Jedi is proof of that.
    When our kids are grown up, they're not going to remember how messy the hose was. They don't give a damn about that. What they will remember is how much you love them.
    OCD is something else we have in common. The real kind, not the fun to joke about because it's cool kind.
    I won't get into it here, but I count by threes. Always. BUT I have to eat an even number of things so I can chew equally on both sides of my mouth.
    That's just the tip of the mental issues iceberg. Much love to you and your family.

  7. Honey, I feel your pain. I probably have mild OCD as I am a bona-fide perfectionist. I do at least half of what you listed. It sucks. My second daughter has full-blown OCD. There are supplements that can help you. They helped her, and me. She went from asking, "Am I going to turn into" every 30 seconds to asking maybe once a day. Primarily, the big helper is fatty acids like DHA--Google it to find the dosages. B complex for stress. CoQ10 for stress also. Stress makes everything feel worse. And there are some homeopathic "never tonic" pills that work great for anxiety. Take care of yourself, mama. I totally understand about the house. It will come together eventually. It will never be perfect, but you can get a leg up on it. I wish I lived close enough to help.

  8. wow, you may have just convinced me that I either A) have OCD
    B) am your long lost non identical twin C) relate because I'm a mom who goes through similar thoughts. D) all of the above

  9. i think i have those same socks

  10. I was so glad to see you post this again, because it describes what so many of us go through everyday! Even if we don't consider ourselves OCD, many of us have quite a few of the symptoms! And no matter how much you do, it never seems enough-the house is never clean for long enough to notice, the piles just grow and grow no matter how many times you sort them, people and their stuff just cover every surface!! And it's not YOUR stuff! You keep your stuff under control, but children do not do that...willingly anyway!! So we feel your pain, we really do! But then you go and put a video of Jedi, who we are already in love with, and we just fall apart! I have watched this six times in the last half hour!! And I'll probably watch it many more, like I did the 1st time I saw it!! It's not just the beautiful baby, it's your voice, encouraging him, and you can see him trying with all his might to squeeze out those baby chortles! It says a lot about your parenting style-I really do like your parenting style! I know you held his life in your hands all through those harrowing days before he came, and afterward, you held his tiny body in your hands and willed him to breathe, to grow, to become the wonderful person who is Jedi. I don't know as much about your other children, but what I do know is that you have done the same for each of them, in another way perhaps, but, still giving them encouragement and values and manners, and a million little things that will make them wonderful people like their mother. Thank you so much for this today-it really helped my mood! I hope you and your babies will have the most wonderful holidays!!