Last summer when I was pretty much bleeding everywhere trying to keep Jedi in my baby hotel I also thought it would be a great idea to potty train Moo. She was about to be 4 and since I had been changing diapers for I dunno, 10 plus straight years, I figured I deserved a break before a new poop butt came to town. This was difficult. Moo is difficult. I know this because I have successfully potty trained 3 people and although it was never easy (I lie, Han potty trained in 3 days when I told him Caillou does it too, and once he saw his poop in the toilet the first time, he was sold) it was always successful.
I bribed the shit out of her. Literally. I told her we would get a unicorn pillow pet. I gave her countless amounts of candy and gum and cookies and lip gloss. I even once told her I would take her to Disneyland. I immediately took it back when I learned how expensive Disneyland was, but it didn't matter because she just didn't give a shit. At least not in the toilet she didn't.
My final bribe? School. School is something she knows about and I can imagine in her mind, its probably pretty awful, or Han wouldn't be throwing some Cybil like fit every other week complete with chucking bowls full of cereal at my head because he doesn't want to go. But school, I promised her, would be fun. They might even have a toy horse there! Maybe even a book about horses!! "We have books and toys bout horses. And we can stay inside to see it" she said. Good point. But you are going anyways.
Few months went by, and little Jedi couldn't dock himself on the baby hotel for very long and I ended up having him when I shouldn't have. Once the hootenany of getting settled in the Nicu was over and I regained my strength, both physically and mentally, I was back at bribing Moo to please for the love of all that is fucking holy, to stop shitting in her pants. Eventually she did. And as of right now, she pees her pants about 3 times a week. Why? Who the fuck knows. Who the hell knows why kids, especially her, do half the "for no reason" things they do. Well, I am sure there is a reason but right now, as with everything else that Moo dislikes or does, it is about control.
Raising her, if that is even what you call it when your child just gives you the "bite me" look any time you correct her behavior or suggest something cray cray like going to the store, or maybe not eating an entire jar of salsa, is like that old Bill Cosby joke. Where he tells his kids to give the baby whatever she wants, and when they complain he says, "She has my stuff too!" He continues on about how he doesn't care about justice, he cares about quiet. And it is funny as hell to me, but sadly, it is true. We give her what she wants, when she wants it. If someone doesn't, then I will. Why? Because for one. She looks like this:
And two, well she is the baby.
But, she is the baby that needs to go to school and do fun things not involving making up disgusting sandwiches, like mayo, peanut butter and cheese, or pretending to be a horse on roller skates for 2 hours. Sure those things can be fun, if you are on drugs especially I am sure, but she needs to be around other kids and do other things besides that. And since I am in a hobbit hole with Jedi trying to keep him from catching the Mexican flu, I signed her up for school.
She lasted 4 days. Or two weeks in preK time. As much as I worried about her being nice to others and not saying things like "I do not know you. And I don like you." or not being able to share "She look at my horse!! No!! Tell her stop!!" and also making friends, you know, without me, I guess I didn't worry enough to fucking prepare her.
I mean, I did the good mom thing, and bought some first day of preschool stories, and also talked it up excitedly telling her the things she might do and that there would be friends and games and songs and stuff. But it was to no avail. The first day of school, Moo threw fits and told the teacher she wasn't her mom. (Since when does it make a difference if someone is her mom, she doesn't listen to me either...told you she cray cray) and on the second day she took off her shoes and threw them. Why? Who the hell knows. Teacher said something about her being disruptive and not listening to any directions.
By the 4th day, Moo had managed to throw such a huge fit over who knows what, that the teachers couldn't let the class go outside for recess. I was told that although Moo understands what the teachers want from her, that she is having a hard time actually doing what they say. Needless to say, I am not going to have her suffer, or cause such a disruption that other kids resent her for taking away their precious 15 minutes of fresh air. So she is staying home.
Do I feel like I failed her in preparation for this 2 1/2 hours twice a week adventure?
Do I feel like this whole dislike of people, and rules, and dislike of expectations put upon her is just in her nature?
So now what do we do? Who the fuck knows.
I am looking into other preschool options recommended by friends and also trying to encourage her to be a little more open to the idea of leaving the house and maybe even going on a few play dates. (I'm dreaming big here people). She really is a wonderful girl. She keeps me up late watching He Man marathons, followed by Bravestar.She cries if she sees her brothers or sisters upset. She loves stripey sweaters, glittery shoes and vests. She talks like a Dr. Seuss book and is skeptical and blunt. "Who dat girl wearing dose boots? She not a cowgirl. She a liar. She just has boots but no pony" and it is hard out there for a girl who just wants to do what she does, and doesn't like to be told she can't.
I should know. Because my biggest challenge with Moo isn't that she is hard to figure out or discipline.
It is seeing this, in everything she does.
I feel you Moo. I feel you.