Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped...

So I was being a boss, listening to Kid Cudi uncensored because I was rollin like a G in my van with no baby ears in the back seat.
And I heard a lyric that struck me it goes: "I tried to think of myself as a sacrifice, to just to show the kids they ain't the only ones up at night" (in the next lyric he talks about his pee pee being sucked so be warned if you google that, don't want to be held responsible for wrecking your baby ears, and by pee pee I mean cock)

And then a ninja BOMB exploded in my brain and I thought OMG I MUST WRITE ABOUT THIS. (No not the pee pee sucking part, you sicko)

Here is how it starts: I was told a few times that I am an inspiration. I know, I know. My life of servitude to 5 children and still finding the time to read a book, write on this here blog, and paint my nails gives me like, a Jane Goodall runner up sash or some shit.
But seriously.
I am just like you.
And if you think I am not, or just think I am full of myself, let me tell you a story of how I became Humble.

Two years ago. My life was SHIIIIIIIIIIIT.
I won't go into exact details, to protect my kids and my sanity should someone be blabbing about it the next time I see them in real life, but lets just say the situation I was in was fucked UP.
And even worse, I couldn't seem to get out of it. It was like the same day every day, going through the same motions, but with more bad situations piling up until I couldn't breathe any more. Literally, I couldn't breathe. I had been suffering from what I thought was "I am dying, my throat is closing and I am dying" but really turned out to be major anxiety attacks. The kind that you know, can't fucking breathe through when they are happening.
Picture that for a second.
Now imagine that I had 4 kids with me when these would happen out of no where.
It was the ultimate rock bottom place that I was in, the kind of rock bottom that comes from the inside of your heart and soul and makes its way to your flesh and bones. It affected my every move. My every conversation. My brain. The way my eyes perceived things.
And I wanted it to stop.

I ended up in a hospital in a daze. I still can't recall the exact events before the hospital. I remember crying on a gurney, explaining that I was not suicidal and that I still couldn't breathe. Later, I was taken to rehab. Apparently, you can go even if you are not addicted to anything, you can go if you are just freaking the fuck out. Good to know.

When I came home after living with my parents for a bit in order to help me get back on track with meds and therapies, I came across something that years of watching Oprah never taught me. Or maybe she did except I wasn't paying attention because I was busy folding clothes.
I loved it so much I wrote it on my wall:

And just like that. My life changed.
NOT!
It took me time to realize that I couldn't change everything over night, but I could accept that. What I could no longer accept was that I wasn't taking steps to make it at least gravitate towards the direction of change.
Where did I want to go in life?
Who did I want to be?
What were like, my goals?
Now what the fuck do I have to do to get there?
Okay, can't do all of that in a week, what can I do today?
Nothing?
How bout a smile?
Okay, I can do that.
And that's how it began. I realized I didn't have a lot to work with. But I did have myself, and frankly, that's enough to start with.
It all started with a smile. MY SMILE. Not a smile someone else gave me, not a smile I fake, a real one. Try it, you'll like it.
Take THAT duck face!


And in my method of full disclosure of fantastical honesty, one of the things I most wanted to achieve was to help someone ANYONE find their smile. You know, find their little sumtin sumtin, to feel happy about. JUST ONE PERSON. That was my goal.

And then, I met you. YOU.
xoxox Humble

29 comments:

  1. OH this is so AWESOME. I love gratitude. I love acceptance and change and the power of grabbing your life by the balls and kicking it in the ass. Then just going with the good. Smiling is good. Your smile is beautiful.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I LOVE YOU HUMBLE!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm your smile today :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank you for writing this. I really loved reading this. I am in that sort of situation now. Well, not to the extremity of it all..but I am in that sort of fog. Lost. Confused. And this opened my eyes a bit. Thank you.
    Ashley

    ReplyDelete
  5. You amaze me. Life is hard, harder for some than others, but each life has its own degree of difficulty. There are people who never see past those difficulties and then there are people like you. I love your posts, they make me smile (so there is one for you). Keep it up, I look forward to smiling some more.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I love you so damn much. We come from a similar place, my friend.
    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  7. thanks Miss Humble, i needed that. My hubby and daughter and i are struggling pretty bad at the moment and i had a mental breakdown, and im suprised i myself didnt just end up in the hospital. And before i read this i told myself just to smile, maybe get up and clean and look around and see what i do have. A loving family, a healthy daughter, a loving husband who is trying his best, and my family and friends. I guess being dead broke aint so bad. But reading your blog made me feel alot better, it seems to feel better when a random person you dont know describes how you are feeling to the T. Thanks <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I heart you. I wrote this for you and everyone who needed to hear it. And really, it helps me heal in a way. Helping others helps yourself ya know? It wasn't that long ago that this all happened, and sometimes I feel pushed to the edge again, but I remember where I have been and remind myself of what I want. And I sometimes can only the babiest of baby steps to get there but a baby step is better than stuck. <3

      Delete
  8. I'm smiling and I smile at your Facebook posts too. Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  9. You make me happy. I read your blog and follow you on Facebook. It's nice to know that we aren't alone. Thank you for your openness.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Two months in to a nine month deployment with two kids who seem to hate me more by the day. I needed this today. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Thanks for being brave enough to share that! You rock!

    ReplyDelete
  12. ;) love it made me smile

    ReplyDelete
  13. Fanfreakintastic! Bravo for sharing your story. Somebody, somewhere needed this and you had the courage to write it! That is awesome!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Humble, I love your smile~!

    ReplyDelete
  15. This is so beautifully written! Thanks for the smile. :)

    ReplyDelete
  16. I stumbled on you, Humble and now I look for your posts and what's up with you everyday. Something about the way you put things, strikes a chord in me. I have been where you have been. I undertand when it's all just too f'ing muchand even the simpliest of tasks becomes daunting. Your wisdom lays it out and breaks it down, just how I need to hear it. Thank you for my smile today.

    ReplyDelete
  17. i love that you broke free of groundhog day and now you are strong and happy!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Yes, you are Humble, but to those of us that have been there, anxiety attacks with 3 kids out of the blue at a grocery store, oh the pai. Being in a terrible relationship that almost got me killed, trying to keep it all together with 3 little ones, working nights & trying to keep my eyes open the next day to take care of an infant, etc..etc.. you are an INSPIRATION to me. We relate to you, know we are not alone, that my sweet means a lot. Many of us can't put it into words & you do. It seems almost every one of your blogs is a reflection of my life minus 2 kids...thank you for sharing, thank you for being honest, humble, real & reminding us to smile.

    ReplyDelete
  19. You are AWESOME. Your sense of humor is AWESOME. You have a story behind YOU and that is AWESOME!! Thank you for making me smile today! You are inspiring my friend. And I am while watching Barney for the zillionth time, I am about to get eaten by a stink bug so...enough about your awesomeness!!

    ReplyDelete