Part 1 of the Jedi Series~ The Beginning of Maybe

This is a story of a journey, it is not intended to scare or shock. The language used is carefully selected and may be offensive, I make no apologies for it.
I welcome you to share it.This is dedicated to the one I love.

I never really "found out" I was pregnant, in early 2011. It seemed as though I just knew. I could tell you the exact moment I knew was, when I was in my room picking up something off the floor, and I felt a little twinge. It felt it low in my abdomen, but the twinge wasn't what startled me upright, it was the sudden lightness I felt, almost like a ripple growing from the center of a lake and tracing the shore.

 After we had evidence that I was pregnant, I went to a Dr., and although I didn't like him much, he seemed nice enough and from previous experience I knew I could change practitioners at any time, but in the mean time, he was good enough. There was worry from previous blood testing done in a hospitals emergency room (I had been admitted prior to knowing for a fact that I was pregnant, when I had suffered from excruciating cramps and though I might have an infection of sorts) that I had tested positive for something that could harm the pregnancy and cause it to be ectopic. Thankfully, I had tested false positive and after a few blood tests, and an ultra sound we learned the embryo was indeed where it should be, and growing strong.

Early pregnancy symptoms hit me hard. The room was constantly spinning, I threw up countless times, I was exhausted, and it lasted all of 2 weeks. In my previous pregnancies I had been told the stronger your symptoms were, the more likely your baby had strong staying powers and so I may have said a time or two "alright little shrimp thing, you're here, I fucking get it, now ease up a little" and just like that it eased up.

As I approached the second trimester, things were going great. The kids were excited about having a new baby in the house, we were starting to go about our daily lives without the "oh my god we are HAVING A BABY CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!?" shock and my tummy was proof that things seemed to be going swimmingly. A little fuller, but not so big that I couldn't button my pants.
And then everything changed.
I stood outside getting a good dose of oxygen after dying my hair in the bathroom. I remember thinking how surprised my boyfriend was going to be when he saw how dark it was. And then I felt it. I thought at first I must be imagining things, surely I can't be peeing on myself? But something was down there, and I immediately checked, right where I was, standing in my yard. I pulled my hand out of my panties and saw a nightmare. Blood. Completely covering my hand. In shock I looked at my legs, I could see the blood collecting at the crotch of my jeans, and growing towards my thighs.

Everything that followed was a mechanical reaction.
Call mom.
Call boyfriend.
Call boyfriends mom because hes not answering and I'm not fucking leaving a voice message. The worst news ever, on a voicemail? He would die.
Go in shower. Do not take off clothes. There may be a fetus in your panties and I'm not fucking looking. Rinse hair. Decide to take off clothes because now you just look stupid. Close your motherfucking eyes while you do so.
Sit on couch.
Cry.

Actually, I couldn't cry. Not with very much tears anyways. I practically dry heaved my way into my mothers arms when she arrived at my house ready to take me to my doctor's office.
As I held her tight and sobbed without tears, I felt the blood just pouring out of me.I just wanted to be absorbed into her body and disappear.

I wanted her to so badly take it away, make it stop. Like all the times when I was small and scared or hurt, she would tell me something happy to think of, or she would bandage my knees, give each one a kiss and I would carry on with my day. 
She brought me to her car and got my then 3 year old daughter and put her in the car seat.
She took me to the entrance of the building to the doctor's office and left to park the car.  I walked into the building with a towel between my legs. Going up the elevator, trying not to cry and freak out anyone who might be pregnant just leaving or going to an appointment. But also shuddering and gasping as I felt the towel growing warmer between my thighs.

As I lay on the exam bed, and the Dr. turned off the lights to give me an ultrasound, I prepared myself for the absolute worst. That there would be nothing left.

I blinked maybe 50 times as I saw what was displayed on the screen.
A tiny baby, perfectly formed, with long arms and legs, that were kicking and waving as if to say "I'm here! Mama I am here!" my relief was immediately replaced by confusion. I was still bleeding, and there was just no way this baby wasn't in jeopardy. Despite the baby looking okay, this could just be the beginning of the end. I sat up straight at he turned the machine off.
"Give me the facts. How is it that there is still a baby in there, yet I am 2 seconds away from needing a blood transfusion, I don't want hope, I want facts, tell me can this get better?"

He said he has seen this before, it could stop and the pregnancy could be fine. Or it could continue and result in a miscarriage. Either way, I needed to go to the hospital for further testing and to evaluate how much blood I had lost.

The ride to the hospital I hardly remember, but getting out of the car and walking to the E.R. entrance  is something I will never forget. It was emotionally painful. Blood continued to pour with every step and I started to imagine the baby inside of me possibly starting to die.
If someone had told me to stay positive, even I, the most optimistic person I know, whould have punched them square in the face.

They quickly rushed me to a bed in a wheelchair, left me alone to change, and I asked if I could keep my pants on to keep from bleeding everywhere. They placed a pad on my bed and said the blood would be collected there. "Awesome", I thought sarcastically.
After a nurse took my vitals, I was left alone waiting for the doctor.
Every movement caused a small gush of blood to come out. And without my pants on to soak some of it up, I felt every drop. My ass grew numb from trying to hold absolutely still, but when it began to be painful and the skin became completely numb, I would have to turn and switch positions. My body shook in a silent sob as I felt the blood spilling over my thighs.

My mom came and stayed with me after taking my daughter to her house, and when my boyfriend arrived she left to pick my other 3 kids up from school.

The first thing he did was stroke my hair and kiss my forehead. He asked if I was alright.
I breathed a sigh of relief.
I had been worrying the whole time the possibility of my baby being gone, and going through the real terrifying experience of miscarrying it after seeing arms, legs, a heart even.
I had forgotten that I was not alone and when he sat down calmly in the chair next to me, I knew no matter what happened, that it would be okay. Our grief would be shared. We would be going through whatever the hell this was, together.

The Dr had ordered an ultrasound and when she left the room and we waited, I told my boyfriend to be prepared. That there might not be an alive baby any more. He understood, and he held my hand on the way to the X Ray department of the hospital.
I closed my eyes as the u/s technician pressed into my abdomen and turned her head toward the screen.

I have had lots of ultrasounds from my previous pregnancies and was always eager to see what was on the screen. To see a little peek of the face I would soon meet. Marvel at a transparent chest that held a beautifully beating heart. I looked forward to ultrasound appointments and treasured every single one of them. But never had any of them made me cringe. To not want to know what would be shown. And with my eyes closed I just wanted it all to go away. For this moment in time not be happening at all.

"Well... the baby looks okay"
I turned towards the screen with eyes wide open and searched the screen. It was there. Our baby was definitely there, because it was definitely flailing around performing some sort of Cirque de Soliel move, and there was a little flicker of a heart even. 
The ultrasound was over quickly, although the tech was sweet enough to let us watch the baby perform some more fist pumping before printing out some pictures, one for us, and many more for the doctor to look over.

The doctor explained that since the bleeding seemed to be improving, there was really nothing that they could do to stop a threatened miscarriage. There was a small bruise on my placenta, it had also lifted a bit. There was really no known reason or cause, and it could get better. But there was no way to know.
Before I left, a nurse gave me her extra pair of pants she had in her locker.  I had soaked through mine and she gave me a hug and told me I deserved more than a paper gown to wear. I signed a few forms and on my way out they gave me a packet of information on threatened miscarriages, and warning signs. And my ultrasound photo.

When I got home I threw the bag carrying the folder of information, my blood soaked pants and towel, in the back of the closet.

I put my ultrasound photo up on the fridge.

Over a year later, it's still on my fridgeNext post-June 1st