Thursday, October 4, 2012

Sing Me Soft Kitty

It's late.

I am lonely.

I am in a house full of 6 other people, a lizard, many fish, and two frogs...and yet I am lonely.

I am in lonely lonerdom of loney woney emotions. When everything ends in "y" you know it has reached a new level of pathetic(y).

I have a reason for this odd behavior. And first I have to accept that this is truthfully a characteristic of mine. I best own up to the fact that when shit hits the fan, I usually bounce back. But when shit takes a proverbial double shit on my heart....not so much.

I become grouchy. I snap. I well up with tears for snapping. I retort with "I can't change the scent of the all purpose spray! I missed that class at Hogwarts! DO YOU NEED ME TO SEW YOU SOME NOSE PLUGS!?" when someone says "Hey, I really don't like the way that spray smells." Or, "Did everyone have a good day...HELLO? I said did everyone have a good day? You know what, just forget it. Eat your dang dinner."

And then I watch the clock. Moping, counting, going through the motions of getting everyone clean, nightly rituals done, chores and such, until the time finally comes where I can tell someone everything I am feeling. I have tried to say these things out loud once today, but it was premature, I started sob hiccuping before I could say anything more than a condensed version of the situation.

My boy is having problems in school.

Not to go too much into detail because frankly, it is late, details are irrelevant and I probably wouldn't be able to tell you exactly what the problems are anyways because when the teacher met with me and started with "Let's go over the interventions we are going to be doing" I kind of just locked up with my mouth clenched, trying to stop the whimpers that wanted to turn into sobs. I sat there with my mouth shut, trying to stay calm, keep my composure and do whatever body language positions that I have mastered from watching cop TV shows, that exude "yes, I am totally listening to everything you are saying and I was totally prepared for this talk and am super excited for all these strategic interventions."

While she was yammering on about how his school day will be different now, he will get pulled out of class for this, he will go to another reading group for first graders, even though he is in the 2nd, and how he will miss P.E. for a few weeks so he can go to some other program for "kids like him...kids who are behind"... I was just wondering if my son knew he was not "getting it" or if he felt overwhelmed with everything they were asking of him, and did he feel dumb or that he couldn't do it? Did he know that he just needs extra help and everything would be okay? Did he know?

I came out of the meeting with tears in my eyes. Although I am hopeful that Han will catch up, and that worse things have happened to other parents today, it just doesn't make me feel better about the moment I am living in right now.

And all afternoon I felt it. The creeping stomach ache. The words repeating in my head. Intervention. No P.E. Work with him on this sheet. Check for this. Do that. He needs to read more, encourage him to read all of the time.

Ugh.

When I am in the constant day to day routine with 5 kids, it is really difficult to focus all my attention on one child. One on one time comes in short bursts. Sometimes I have to make a point to sit down and talk with a child if it has been a day or more since the last talk.
But when there is a problem, everything and everyone fades. Appointments collected in my head are forgotten, responses to emails have less importance, and all the things I have been meaning to do, fade. Until all that's left is the child. It is a delicate act, constantly rotating which kid needs the most attention, but it is one that just happens when you have a big family. I am learning as I go.

Tomorrow will be better. I will  be able to handle it better. I will wake up and feel less lonely and pathetic because I will start to believe this very thing has happened to many other moms and dads. That he is not the first boy in the history of time to have to get extra help, even though this is new to me, the interventions and programs have been put into place because many other children needed them before his time. I will brainstorm ways to help him at home and remind him that he is a wonderful and bright boy. I will thank my lucky stars that he is healthy, happy, and mine.

 But for right now, let me cry.
 This shit is sucky.

9 comments:

  1. You will make it. You are a great mom from what I can see and trust me, Han will make it with help. My 6 year old had two years of preschool a Hellish year in Kindergarten, where he fell to the bottom of his class and I fought like Hell to get him services through the school district. Be thankful his teacher is recognizing he needs help and is willing to give it.

    You are strong. You can do this. If you ever doubt that, just ask us Humblers <3

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  2. I feels like you're the only one, but you are not alone. Han will do better because of the extra help he is going to be getting at school & home. It is sucky. We got that "talk" last year with our daughter in Math. The crappy thing about our talk was the teacher didn't tell us anything new that we weren't already doing. It's a struggle everyday.

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  3. Everything's gonna be aight;) take a breath,there's always tomorrow,kick it in the taco.

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  4. You're going to do just fine! My son had to take Title I reading in first and second grade. He got caught up, never acted like it was taking anything away from him or embarrassing to him. I played it up like it was so cool he was going to get to do extra reading, like it was something 'special'. Now, he's a 10th grader and still doesn't like English, but he passes and he reads. It was just this past summer he actually asked me to buy a book for him. That was the FIRST TIME EVER! Some boys just aren't into reading and need a little extra boost. Don't beat yourself up over it. I tried to look at it as though I was lucky that my kids had teachers who cared about them and wanted them to be up to speed with everyone else. You got this shit ;)

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  5. Ya know what... it's really hard to hear and process when your child has any kind of problem - but the school being on his side is AMAZING! It's wonderful, it's great - it's one less thing you have to fight for with your kids! Take whatever they will give him & more!! I've been through this with my oldest & he's grown & gone now - an amazing young adult who is an amazing reader & very smart young man! :) Hugs young mamma, Hugs :) I thought I'd been following all along.. hmmm :) Well, I'm here now!

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  6. WE just pulled my kids from private school and into a public school this year. I was so worried about the change and thought the kids would suffer from being moved to such a big school after having so many years with such a small school. I am SO GLAD WE DID THIS MOVE. My hubby and I always thought our 9yo daughter was struggling in math but was told continuously at her "old" school that she was doing just fine (she was dealing with a bully and I think the school pacified both families so as not to create a stink, obviously the reason we left that school). She wasn't in the new school a month before her teacher called us in to have the "talk". She is terribly behind in her academics for her grade. We have been working with her everyday since and I feel we have come leaps and bounds in just a month. Flash cards are the BEST! You can make your own with index cards (she actually made them herself) AND the other kids can help with Hans "practicing". My 7yo son is the "card holder" and they do it at the table while I'm making dinner. Even just 10-20 minutes a day helped (usually they would go through the cards twice, we have all the times tables from 1's to 9's). At first it felt like it took forever but now it takes maybe 5 minutes she flies through them so fast. We are making new cards for division today, after school. Also I put words for my 1st grader on index cards and tape them up all over the house. Hope these ideas help. Sounds like with you and school "taking care of business" he will be right on track in no time. I admire you as a mother and think you're doing a wonderful job. I'm 41 with 3 kids and find myself overwhelmed at times. You are an inspiration and have an AWESOME sense of humor. Hang in there, those little buggers bounce back FAST, be ready to be impressed with how fast he gets back on track.

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  7. You are definitely not alone! My 9 year old son is in 4th grade and still struggles to focus, pay attention and listen to directions. I've also been told he can be disrespectful. This hurts to hear because we try our best to teach him what's right from wrong. Every week is different though and some are better than others. I've also heard that boys can just be more disinterested in school than girls sometimes. I find that to be true with Liam. He wants to do what he wants to do and its been that way since he was in Kintergarden. Hang in there and know that you're doing the best you can and that's all you can do. You love him and he knows that and you all will pull through it. :)

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  8. it's okay, honey bunny! He will get the hang of it, soon! Everyone learns in different ways, just tell him that. A lot of very very brilliant people in history even had "learning disabilities", such as, AHEM... EINSTEIN!! Tell him this if he is worried about it.
    BTW, You are an awesome mommy, for feeling this way :) <3

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    1. Word up girlie! When I finally was able to get my son diagnosed with Asperbers Syndrome everyone thought I would be upset, yet I wasn't. It was a relief because then I knew what I was dealing with and how I could help him. Our job as parents is to be able to give our kids the best possible life they can have and the skills to succeed. You were just handed the "Golden Ticket" Humble. Han will surprise you. I'm betting he is bored as hell and just wants to have his mind stimulated! Rock on Sistet

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