|This is me right now. Whining and facial time. |
You like it. Don't deny!
But something even worse happened in the last 4 weeks since my last post. Something I didn't plan for and thought I was strong enough to handle. I started caring about what people thought. Sure, some people have told me I am an idiot for not knowing 1,001 grammar rules, some people have said that I am actually not funny, or even very humble. But those are not promises I ever made, so I just brushed it off. If you go to my about section, I never call myself any of those things, and it's not really my problem what people assume when they first get to know me vs. how I really am.
The truth is, you don't know me. You know things I have told you about me. You see how I interact with people, read the words I write, and make a judgement. And since what I write is truthful, and no different than how I would talk to my friends, you can bet I am in reality a lot of those things I have led you to believe. There is a reason my page is called "Slice of Humble" though. It is impossible for anyone on the Internet or even in my real life to know me 100 percent. And the folks that are pretty damn close (and they know who they are) know exactly what I am talking about.
So about that panicking over something that happened? What happened? Well, I kind of started noticing that I am getting over 500 likes a month (maybe more, I just got 500 in the past 4 days) and I have started being considerate about the things I am saying and sharing. Every once in awhile someones comment will sting. Not because I believe it to be true, but because I just stopped to check my phone for 5 minutes right after I yelled at my kids to please clean up the fucking living room so help me Tom Cruise I did not make this mess!! And the comment catches me off guard and I for just a second I want to just say "Oh fuck you" and throw my phone right out the window. But instead, I keep my cool, I respond as nicely as I possibly can (I don't want no bitch face hand slap over some random fool on the Internet, thankyouverymuch) and then go back to picking up my scratched CD's the baby has boomeranged across the kitchen. And then someone will say "Maybe if you are going to have a page or a blog, you shouldn't be so sensitive" Oh I am sorry, was I supposed to turn into a robot devoid of all emotions so I can entertain you? Wait just a second, I never did this to entertain ANYONE. I did it to entertain myself, and I happen to love it, maybe not all of it, but for the most part everyone is AMAZING and I am a lucky lady to even have been given the opportunity to connect with people and speak my mind.
So about the panicky part? I didn't know what to write, I want to make you laugh, I want to make myself laugh, and I want to learn and grow through all of this. That's all. For a whole month, I lost sight of that. I got scared. I do that sometimes too, ya know? I feel it when people say tongue in cheek things about how I am getting so popular, and when people tell me they admire me, or that they want to know more and more and more about me. Well, that's all really sweet, but I sometimes just don't know what to give. I overthink shit, I get social anxiety and then I get in over my head. But I am learning. Hell, this whole post is pretty damn therapeutic. I just want you to know, I am over my panicky frozen state. I have thought long and hard about it, and even if this isn't where I imagined I would be, this is where I want to be. What can I say? I am a humble little whiny bitch.(sometimes)
And I am happy, so happy, that you are here. Hang out with me for awhile if you please.