Thursday, February 28, 2013
What Humble Did Episode maybe 5? But who is really keeping track.
Interesting Humble fact: Humble tells strangers on the Internet facts about herself in the 3rd person.
2nd interesting Humble fact: Humble got new shoes.
I admit this is not really interesting, until I explain that over the course of 7 years, this is my 6th pair of shoes I have owned. In fact last year I only owned 2 pairs of shoes.
And then I realized that at 27 years old I was still living by the rule of "You have 1 pair of shoes and that's more than I had when I was growing up and why would you want another pair? People are starving.You hate polar bears!" that I was told, possibly 1,058 times while I was a little H.
I also came to the realization that starving people and polar bears probably don't give a rats ass what I wear as long as I appreciate it fully, and donate my change and dollars every time I check out at the grocery store, and every time anyone, ANYONE, asks me for a buck. I don't expect a thank you from the universe or anything but sometimes when I am running out of gas, I call upon the Universe and remind it about that 3.00 that I gave to some renegade homeless man wearing a Flash shirt and pulling up 2 shopping carts full of what looked like baby dolls, empty beer cans, and a box of puppies so please Universe insert some Tom Cruise magic into that gas tank because singing "Livin on a Prayer" full blast is only going to get me to the next block! I always get there. I say always, but I mean mostly. Universe has a box of puppies to look out for and I understand.
The first pair of shoes that I got (outside of flip flops and fashions I wore in high school) was when I was 21 and they were Gray Converse. In my mind at 21, anything nicer was just more than what my daily life required and because PUNK ROCK. This was 7 years ago and up until 1 year ago, it is all I have worn aside from the occasional pair of flats that I would ruin in a weekend. I wore those Converse EVERYWHERE. I was pregnant in them 3 times, went into labor wearing them, stained them at more concerts than I can count, met new friends while wearing them, got in fights, had nervous breakdowns, went to rehab wearing them, left rehab wearing them...minus laces, played with my kids at parks, walked miles in them when I had no car and basically lived the best and worst of my life while wearing these shoes. They mean so much to me. I am seriously thinking of bronzing them and showing my grandkids, "Behold, Grand Humans (I will call them that) at how fucking cool I was. Everything I had to learn to be Grandma Vader, was learned while wearing these." Their joke parents will chime in with something embarrassing like how one time a Praying Mantis landed on me and I screamed, stripped naked, peeing myself while wearing them and OH WASN'T IT SO FUNNY LET'S TALK ABOUT IT.
See the thing is, I don't really care about all the stuff I have acquired over the years. But I do appreciate what I have. Sure, it's nice to have nice things, but things get ruined, broken, lost forever...more so if you have lots of children running around. I learned this the hard way when during a move, ALL of the little porcelain figurines my mom had given to me since I was a little Humble, shattered into bits and pieces. I was devastated. I had childhood memories of them always being in my room, and they were gone. Since then, things have been damaged beyond repair, the last being a Cinderella snow globe that was given to me on my wedding day. It was a year ago and I made the grave mistake of showing it to one of my daughters. I put it down on the floor and turned it on for her. I hoped that she would love it as much as I did. Cinderella was "my princess", the one I obsessed over when I was 4, the one who I dreamed of becoming. She had a bunch of animals that cared about her and she pulled a big fuck you to those bitches that locked her up. And in my mind at that age, I wanted what she had. A big puffy white dress and a prince to marry. I loved the fuck out of that snow globe, especially because my mom had given it to me. When I showed it to her, it was my way of showing her all the things I dreamed of having, and thought that I had, many moons ago. Cinderella makes me deep. And then in a blink of an eye, she picked it up to turn it over, and CRASH.
Thinking about it now, it kind of makes me teary eyed. It was all I had left of my wedding day. My dress was gone, my wedding rings had been pawned, and the prince? Well you get it. I yelled, I screamed, I cried. I probably traumatized her for life. Every one that was there watched me sob and bleed everywhere while I picked up shattered glittery glass.
And then I saw her face. My daughter was horrified. I grabbed her and hugged her close and realized that should my house catch on fire, SHE would be the first one I searched for. Because she is small, and young enough to not know that smoke means run away. NOT the Cinderella snow globe. When I die, it will be my children that flash through my mind. The people that I love will be there too, but mostly it will be my kids. I doubt I will even remember or give a shit about anything that wasn't a person that I loved. Can you imagine? "Oh, it looks like this is it, the absolute end of my life...do I have time to reflect? Crap just think of the first thing and focus on that...AWWW I REMEMBER MY CINDERELLA SNOWGLOBE!"
Yea, I didn't think so.
A few days later I read this quote:
“You see this goblet?” asks Achaan Chaa, the Thai meditation master. “For me this glass is already broken. I enjoy it; I drink out of it. It holds my water admirably, sometimes even reflecting the sun in beautiful patterns. If I should tap it, it has a lovely ring to it. But when I put this glass on the shelf and the wind knocks it over or my elbow brushes it off the table and it falls to the ground and shatters, I say, ‘Of course.’ When I understand that the glass is already broken, every moment with it is precious.”
- Mark Epstein
Thoughts Without a Thinker
So here are my shoes. The ones I love so much and will show my Grand Humans and the ones I will probably still be wearing when I meet my Grand Humans. Because PUNK ROCK.
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