Wednesday, March 20, 2013

What I Will Tell My Sons and Daughters

I was raped.

Twice. Two separate occasions. The first time involved 3 people. The second time, just one. I say just one, as if I were luckier the second time around. But the feelings of violation, disgust, and suffocating moments of depression afterwards, were not lessened.

The first time, I was asleep. I told one person afterwards, and their response was, "Well you should have been more aware of what was going on."  In my mind, for a split second, I believed what they said made total sense. For a day or two, I had actually convinced myself that I may have been in the wrong and refused to believe that the men who did this to me, weren't in fact rapists. I know of friends who tried to convict their rapists and failed. One friend dropped all charges because she was so stressed she couldn't function. She knew she would never "win" if she couldn't state her case clearly. With 4 kids, I knew I wouldn't be able to handle going to a hospital, making a police report, hell, even calling 911 seemed like it might invoke a nervous breakdown. Instead, I didn't do anything. I chalked it up to an error in judgement. That they made a mistake. This doesn't make sense typing it out now, but at the time it did. Terror and trauma do a number on your sense of reason.

The second time, I was not asleep. It was in his truck, with a gun resting on the center console. He was an old friend and a cop. When he first showed me his gun, I felt a trickle of fear, my stomache lurched. Something was wrong, this was wrong, cops don't take out their guns when they are off duty. Or do they? My mind raced. He asked if he could take pictures of me holding his gun because he thought it would be hot. I refused. He drove me to a secluded park, where he pushed the gun into my back as I was ordered to bend over. I had never had anal sex before, and in that moment I wanted him to just shoot me and get it over with. When he took me back home, he asked if he could pay me a visit in 2 days to talk about what had happened. I told him I would be out of town so no. He just shrugged and said "Alright, well just call me if you want me to come pay you a visit again."He drove away before he could see what the backside of my pants looked like. I cried for 5 seconds, changed my clothes, and picked up my children. The last thing I wanted to do was admit that I was in another man's truck. The last thing I wanted to do was ask my baby sitter if they could watch my kids longer so I could go to the hospital. I didn't want to tell anyone anything. I wanted my kids and I wanted my bed. I had just lost control of my life completely for what seemed like hours. I wanted it back, and I wanted it NOW.

Until yesterday. Yesterday I read a blog by DeBie Hive and just the title "What we should teach our daughters and sons about Steubenville"  lit a spark from under me. She wrote that we need to teach our kids to respect one another, stop blaming victims and pointing fingers anywhere but in the direction of the 2 rapists who were convicted yesterday.   Henry Rollins posted similar sentiments which I suggest you read and both mentioned that rape isn't about sex, it is about control. I know it is about control because I felt a total loss of it on the two occasions that I was raped.

One day, I will tell my children I was raped. It is my job as a parent to protect but also instill in my children my own values, whether or not they follow my lead is up to them. But it would be irresponsible of me to not tell them. They need to know because they need to trust that should they find themselves in a situation where they need help, where a friend needs help, or when they just need advice, that they can trust me and that I trust that them knowing as much about me as possible will not harm them, but rather prove to them that I think they are capable of making the right choices.

What will I tell my my beautiful sons? What will I tell my precious daughters?

Respect all people.  ALL people. See that girl with a short skirt and low cut blouse? She's your sister until she tells you otherwise. See that grown man who is homeless? You will not disrespect him. Ever.

Don't be useless.  Help someone in need of help. If you can't help them, find someone who can. Do not fear helping someone. If you see a girl at party who is unconsious, put her in your car and bring her home. Call someone to help if you have to. When someone is being hurt, do something. Whether it be a bully at school, a kid who is hurt on the playground, a car accident, any person who needs help, help them. DO NOT WATCH AND WAIT.  ACT.

How a person treats themselves, does not define how you treat them.
A woman who is under the influence, is not to be taken advantage of.
A woman who has sex with you, is not an invitation to have sex with again.
A woman who is dressed suggestively is not to be disrespected, whistled at, yelled at, grabbed, etc. She is your sister until she says otherwise. If you like her, smile.

No ones actions are your invitation to treat them badly. No one is ever "asking for it" without actually saying it.

How you are dressed or act does not determine your worth. You determine your worth.

If someone hurts you. TELL SOMEONE.

If someone tells you not to tell anyone. TELL SOMEONE.

If you know someone who was hurt, but didn't do anything about it. ASK.
Ask them if they are okay. Ask them if they need help. If you suspect or know, and they are afraid to say anything, tell me, tell a police officer, someone, ANYONE. If you don't, more people will be hurt. Don't forward that information on social media, do not text about it, ask them in person, any information given to you is private until you find someone who can help.

If it feels wrong, it is. You have an incredible sense of human survival. Your body tells you when it's sick, hungry, tired, etc. Your brain and your body work together to protect itself. That feeling of fear? Use it. Your survival skills are innate. Don't second guess it. If you "have a bad feeling" it is because your body is telling you to listen to your brain.

If you realize that something you are doing is wrong. STOP.If you realize you are in a dangerous situation, too dangerous to fight. Hold on. Fight when you know you can. Your instincts will tell you. Trust them. And use everything you can to fight.
Rape is cannibalism. You would never eat a dead human being, would you? Well that's how atrocious it is.

If she/he can't say "no", it doesn't mean "yes".

If she/he is scared. It's rape.

If she/he says "yes" but then changes their mind. STOP.

If she is your date, your girlfriend, your best friend, your partner, your wife, if she says "No" or is scared to say "No", it means RAPE.

If he is your date, your boyfriend, your best friend, your partner, your husband, if he says "No" or is scared to say "No", it means RAPE.
Son, some men choose to be boys and not act. Some men choose to be monsters. You have a choice to be a man, a boy, or a monster. Make the right choice. The one you can live with and tell your son about. Son, some men and women were not taught these things.Son, some men and women were not taught these things. And because other boys were not instilled in them the values and trust I have in you, or they have disregarded what they know to be right, is why you must look after women. Like you would your sisters. Like you would protect me.

Daughter, some men and women were not taught these things. Some men choose to be boys and not act. Some men choose to be monsters. That is why you must look after yourself as well as other women, like your sisters. Like you would expect from me.

Now I challenge YOU, dear Humbler.

What are you going to tell your children?

xoxo Humble 


  1. So much love for you, today and always. xoxoxoxo

  2. LOVE. That's all I can say. Thank you for sharing your story, Humble. <3

  3. Beautifully written and expressed. I raised a son that is a man - and I can't be more proud of him. Your kids are very special and will learn all you have to teach them. ALWAYS TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

  4. This post brought me to tears. I'm so sorry you had to go through that

  5. Your post made me cry. What a terrible thing to have to go through. How honorable for you to want to teach your children to stand up for themselves and others... to respect others. Sending you hugs!

  6. i always look for better ways to talk to my children about these subjects, and sometimes I find myself at a loss....thank you for sharing your story, thank you for your words, and thank you for giving me an opening to talk to all three of my children about this.

  7. I'm at a loss for words. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I just sent this link to my daughters. They are 22 & 19. I worry about them every time they leave the house. You are brave beyond belief!

  8. This left me in tears. You are a beautiful and strong woman! As a mother of four boys I couldn't have thought of a better way to say all of that to them. Thank you for being you.

  9. This is what I will tell my boys. After I tell them I was raped by my boyfriend. Thank you.

  10. Goddamn it. I love you. That was beautiful. I am truly sorry for what happened to you... I wish it had been different, but I am also glad that out of all of the mothers in the world, it is YOU who are raising those kids because they will know right from wrong.

    Kudos to you, my love...

  11. Anonymous3/20/2013

    THANK YOU FOR THIS. I have been sexually assaulted and I have been raped! People have said that both cases were my fault, that I put myself in that situation and therefore I should expect these things to happen. The first time was my partner, I said no he carried on... Most people don't consider that to be rape.. I DO CONSIDER IT AS RAPE, IT IS WRONG! The second time I was out for the night with friends, for reasons that I won't go into I was left in an area I didn't know on my own and a stranger sexually assaulted me, am I to blame? NO! People need to realise that it is NEVER the victims fault, the rapist is always to blame!!

  12. I have goosebumps and tears. Maybe some day I'll be as brave as you are and be able to share my story too.

  13. I am teaching my sons that ALL people ALL Life deserves respect and protection. Thank you for your bravery. Thank you for your courage. You are giving others courage. I see in you a survivor and a fighter. I will teach my sons that when someone needs help you help them. You run into the fire, you jump into the fray. We all need to ask.ourselves this, would we rather live knowing we did all we could to help or live knowing we did nothing while someone suffered?

  14. Oh my god.

    Unfortunately, I don't have an answer to this. I may put this post in my favorites and read it every so often to remember how real life is and important it is to keep others in mind, no matter when or where.

    I'm sorry to hear what has happened to you. You're so strong to be able to share your views and values with the world, your kids, and help others teach their kids what they should know. You've helped me and you've helped my daughter (and she doesn't even know it yet)

    Thank you. <3

  15. I am sending a link of this blog to my daughter to share with my granddaughter. This is an important subject and so current today and every day.

    Humble you are awesome. Has anything ever been done about any of those men or are they still free to terrorize other women? Men must learn that "No" means NOOOO Freakin' Way!! I really have no sympathy for rapists, castration is too kind but should be mandatory. Public flogging would be helpful to victims but the climate in North America is so fluctuating that it wouldn't really be much of a punishment. Jail is no help so I guess castration would be a good start, but only with a rusted steel spoon so infection would set in. I volunteer to "spoon" the cop that betrayed your trust and hurt you so badly. I'm sure we can find other volunteers for the male children that violated you first.

    You must never blame yourself. You are the victim and they are the barbarians at the gate. Hugs and respect to you. :)

  16. Wow. Just....WOW. Beautiful...thank you for speaking out. And for giving me a script to use with my little girls xo <3

  17. You totally brought tears to my eyes. I've been there. I hope I instilled this in my daughters.

  18. Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for knowing how to take control of the situation now and not acting only as a victim. Your kids are going to be wonderful additions to society.

  19. Anonymous3/20/2013

    This! This is amazing!
    I too was raped. Twice. Once with 5 guys, once with two. Then there were the countless times my step-dad... blecht, him, his buddies.
    Anyway, I have a daughter. She is 21. Was she from the drunken error I made a week prior or was she from one of those 5 guys? It took an entire pregnancy and 6months of her life to be able to take a blood test for paternity. She was the first week.
    There are repercussions that plague me all these years later but for the most part, it's about fear that she would ever have to feel that amount of shame, degradation, fear, hostility, humiliation and utter loss of control.
    Thank you for speaking out. Thank you for your words that will be imparted on your children. My son who is 3 1/2 will be given words very similar or yours if for some reason I can't come up with my own.
    Thank you Humble. Just thank you

  20. I was raped repeatedly by my husband(ex husband). It happened even before we got married. I heard so many times,"You are mine, I can do what I want". I would say No, but he wouldn't stop. I got pregnant at 18 and I did what "every good girl does" and I married him. I didn't want to marry him, Hell No I wanted as far away from him as I could get. When our son was born I of course thought things would be different, they were worse. I was a whore, bitch and slut when I wouldn't "give it up". He repeatedly took it. I didn't fully get away from him until I was 22. I finally got done being "his property" when I was 23. Our son is almost 11 now. I will explain to him what rape and unwanted sexual advances are. Will I explain to him that he is a product of rape? No! I thankfully don't have to look at my ex husband anymore. He drank and drugged himself to death. I know that sounds heartless but I am okay with that. Stealing my innocence, making me ashamed of who I was and making mefeel like I was nothing, throwing me into a deep depression, that is heartless.I have thankfully dealt with things for the most part but the pain will never completely go away. Thank you Humble for your story. I am sorry that you have been through such horrible things.

  21. What a strong, beautiful woman you are. powerful lady! thank you thank you thank you!

  22. Thank you for this. I was also raped while I was asleep, and for years I blamed myself for what he did to me. I would ask myself "why did I fall asleep" why did I get that drunk" but do you think that asshole has asked himself Why?? No! I will tell my son that I was raped when he is old enough to understand but for now I will continue to teach him to love himself and others and to just accept everyone for who they are. Humble, I thank you for the this.

  23. New to your blog, but just had to say that this was extremely well written. It hit home, and it hit home hard. I hope to raise my children to be good adults; but first, I hope I can raise them to be good kids. Thank you for sharing this and helping us to know what to teach our own kids as well.

  24. So sorry you went through this. I too have experienced some things and should of told someone. Im glad you have the courage to share. I know what its like to be afraid to tell the story hits close to my heart & home. What people are putting this girl though is why some girls remain silent. We need to raise our kids with voices. Raise them to stand up for theirselves as well as others. To teach our sons self control and respect. I may have never been raped but I've been abused. I have been tortured. N all abusers wanted me to shut up not speak not have a voice but I have my voice now and I hope I can join the club in encouraging women to speak up teens to speak up not a day goes by that I wish I spoke up got justice. I hope everyone is healing during this journey
    physical & mental abuse comes between me and God. Sexually abuse leaves me with no trust in an existence of God.

  25. Thank you so much for sharing.

  26. Thank you so much for this! I was raped and molested as a child on 3 different occassions by 3 different people; 2 were family members and one was a family friend... Nothing was ever done about it. I am a victim's advocate and I am a wife and mother. It kills me every day knowing that I can't protect my daughter every second of every day!

    I will teach her that she is to be respected as are others and that she can ALWAYS come to me with anything and that she should never be afraid to speak out and up. I want her to know that bad things happen in life, but that doesn't mean she deserves them or that everyone is a bad person. I want to teach her to be confident and trusting, but if she feels scared or uncomfortable then she should trust her instincts.

  27. Powerful words. You are not alone. I believe you. None of it was ever your fault. Thank you for sharing this.

  28. Anonymous3/22/2013

    You are so brave. Much love and light to you, Humble. xoxo

  29. I'm going to tell my children that sometimes violence is the answer.

  30. this made my stomach hurt. Such brutal honesty about such a brutal act. Kudos to you girl.. that shit ain't easy.

  31. I too am a rape survivor. He was an ex-cop and a member of my military unit. One day I will share but for now I just raise my sons to be better than that monster!

  32. Anonymous5/12/2013

    I read the first line (also new to your blog) and I gasped.

    I have a son and two daughter, and I live in a country where rape is not an "if" it's a "when" ....

    I'd love to reblog this post ----

    1. Yes of course, can you please link it back to my original post if you are going to put it in your blog?? Also please message me your post because I would love to read your words!! Xoxo