Feels Like Yesterday

It was 4 years ago on this day, that we lost her.


Feels like yesterday.


Anger and sadness. That's what this day means to so many. Tears for a little girl who should be turning 8 soon.
Tears for a father who is holding on.

Stay strong.

A year ago, I wrote about Natalynn, you can read it HERE


You can read current updates on her trial by joining her page Justice For Natalynn

What I Will Tell My Sons and Daughters

I was raped.


Twice. Two separate occasions. The first time involved 3 people. The second time, just one. I say just one, as if I were luckier the second time around. But the feelings of violation, disgust, and suffocating moments of depression afterwards, were not lessened.

The first time, I was asleep. I told one person afterwards, and their response was, "Well you should have been more aware of what was going on."  In my mind, for a split second, I believed what they said made total sense. For a day or two, I had actually convinced myself that I may have been in the wrong and refused to believe that the men who did this to me, weren't in fact rapists. I know of friends who tried to convict their rapists and failed. One friend dropped all charges because she was so stressed she couldn't function. She knew she would never "win" if she couldn't state her case clearly. With 4 kids, I knew I wouldn't be able to handle going to a hospital, making a police report, hell, even calling 911 seemed like it might invoke a nervous breakdown. Instead, I didn't do anything. I chalked it up to an error in judgement. That they made a mistake. This doesn't make sense typing it out now, but at the time it did. Terror and trauma do a number on your sense of reason.


The second time, I was not asleep. It was in his truck, with a gun resting on the center console. He was an old friend and a cop. When he first showed me his gun, I felt a trickle of fear, my stomache lurched. Something was wrong, this was wrong, cops don't take out their guns when they are off duty. Or do they? My mind raced. He asked if he could take pictures of me holding his gun because he thought it would be hot. I refused. He drove me to a secluded park, where he pushed the gun into my back as I was ordered to bend over. I had never had anal sex before, and in that moment I wanted him to just shoot me and get it over with. When he took me back home, he asked if he could pay me a visit in 2 days to talk about what had happened. I told him I would be out of town so no. He just shrugged and said "Alright, well just call me if you want me to come pay you a visit again."He drove away before he could see what the backside of my pants looked like. I cried for 5 seconds, changed my clothes, and picked up my children. The last thing I wanted to do was admit that I was in another man's truck. The last thing I wanted to do was ask my baby sitter if they could watch my kids longer so I could go to the hospital. I didn't want to tell anyone anything. I wanted my kids and I wanted my bed. I had just lost control of my life completely for what seemed like hours. I wanted it back, and I wanted it NOW.


Until yesterday. Yesterday I read a blog by DeBie Hive and just the title "What we should teach our daughters and sons about Steubenville"  lit a spark from under me. She wrote that we need to teach our kids to respect one another, stop blaming victims and pointing fingers anywhere but in the direction of the 2 rapists who were convicted yesterday.   Henry Rollins posted similar sentiments which I suggest you read and both mentioned that rape isn't about sex, it is about control. I know it is about control because I felt a total loss of it on the two occasions that I was raped.

One day, I will tell my children I was raped. It is my job as a parent to protect but also instill in my children my own values, whether or not they follow my lead is up to them. But it would be irresponsible of me to not tell them. They need to know because they need to trust that should they find themselves in a situation where they need help, where a friend needs help, or when they just need advice, that they can trust me and that I trust that them knowing as much about me as possible will not harm them, but rather prove to them that I think they are capable of making the right choices.


What will I tell my my beautiful sons? What will I tell my precious daughters?


Respect all people.  ALL people. See that girl with a short skirt and low cut blouse? She's your sister until she tells you otherwise. See that grown man who is homeless? You will not disrespect him. Ever.


Don't be useless.  Help someone in need of help. If you can't help them, find someone who can. Do not fear helping someone. If you see a girl at party who is unconsious, put her in your car and bring her home. Call someone to help if you have to. When someone is being hurt, do something. Whether it be a bully at school, a kid who is hurt on the playground, a car accident, any person who needs help, help them. DO NOT WATCH AND WAIT.  ACT.


How a person treats themselves, does not define how you treat them.A woman who is under the influence, is not to be taken advantage of.
A woman who has sex with you, is not an invitation to have sex with again.
A woman who is dressed suggestively is not to be disrespected, whistled at, yelled at, grabbed, etc. She is your sister until she says otherwise. If you like her, smile.

No ones actions are your invitation to treat them badly. No one is ever "asking for it" without actually saying it.

How you are dressed or act does not determine your worth. You determine your worth.


If someone hurts you. TELL SOMEONE.


If someone tells you not to tell anyone. TELL SOMEONE.


If you know someone who was hurt, but didn't do anything about it. ASK.Ask them if they are okay. Ask them if they need help. If you suspect or know, and they are afraid to say anything, tell me, tell a police officer, someone, ANYONE. If you don't, more people will be hurt. Don't forward that information on social media, do not text about it, ask them in person, any information given to you is private until you find someone who can help.


If it feels wrong, it is. You have an incredible sense of human survival. Your body tells you when it's sick, hungry, tired, etc. Your brain and your body work together to protect itself. That feeling of fear? Use it. Your survival skills are innate. Don't second guess it. If you "have a bad feeling" it is because your body is telling you to listen to your brain.

If you realize that something you are doing is wrong. STOP.If you realize you are in a dangerous situation, too dangerous to fight. Hold on. Fight when you know you can. Your instincts will tell you. Trust them. And use everything you can to fight.
Rape is cannibalism. You would never eat a dead human being, would you? Well that's how atrocious it is.

If she/he can't say "no", it doesn't mean "yes".

If she/he is scared. It's rape.

If she/he says "yes" but then changes their mind. STOP.

If she is your date, your girlfriend, your best friend, your partner, your wife, if she says "No" or is scared to say "No", it means RAPE.


If he is your date, your boyfriend, your best friend, your partner, your husband, if he says "No" or is scared to say "No", it means RAPE.Son, some men choose to be boys and not act. Some men choose to be monsters. You have a choice to be a man, a boy, or a monster. Make the right choice. The one you can live with and tell your son about. Son, some men and women were not taught these things.Son, some men and women were not taught these things. And because other boys were not instilled in them the values and trust I have in you, or they have disregarded what they know to be right, is why you must look after women. Like you would your sisters. Like you would protect me.


Daughter, some men and women were not taught these things. Some men choose to be boys and not act. Some men choose to be monsters. That is why you must look after yourself as well as other women, like your sisters. Like you would expect from me.


Now I challenge YOU, dear Humbler.

What are you going to tell your children?



xoxo Humble                                                                         

I say "Who am I?" like how Zoolander says it.

Heather over at My Husband Ate All My Ice Cream tagged me in this and I thought it would be the perfect opportunity for you to learn some mundane facts about me.
If you haven't read her blog, I encourage you to visit it if you have a few hours to kill.


1.  Where were you born?  Klamath Falls, OR

2.  Were you named after someone? My name is both a Stephen King movie and a top 5 most popular stripper name. Take your pick.

3.  How many children do you have?  Five.

4.  How many pets do you have? 2 frogs, Sith and Jedi. And many fish with names like Oranjello, Peaches, Spike, Violet and Vader.
 
5.  Your worst injury?  I have had broken arms, stitches, and I used to have chronic pain in my arms and wrists. It was soul crushing. But nothing compares to my daughter trying to come out my ass. I was convinced that she was. 2nd worst would be the after math of that birth. Placenta came out in pieces and the Dr. had to manually remove it. We are talking up to the elbows in the vagina.
Behold the fact I survived and still have sex.
Behold.

6.  Do you have a special talent? Other than having the Ferrari of vajayjays as mentioned in #5?  I am the Nell of crafts. I can't sing. I am pretty good at public speaking even though I have a lisp and develop a weird stress rash on my neck. No seriously, I am bad at most things. Oh, you know what I can do? Eat a burrito in under 5 minutes and hey have I told you about my vagina?

7.  Favorite thing to bake? This is a trick question. You are expecting me to say some type of dessert but little do you know, I like key lime pie, which can be no bake. SO HA! Although I will cut a bitch for some enchiladas fresh out of the oven.

8.  Favorite Fast Food? Don't really have a favorite but I do like tacos.

9.   Would you bungee jump? Nope. I have come to the conclusion that it's not because I am scared, it's just that I don't need to. I scare the shit out of myself enough in one afternoon spent alone in a house that I don't need to go fling myself through a Final Destination scenario to get my kicks.
10.  What is the first thing you notice about people?  Dudes: Facial hair, nose, and eyes.
Girls: smile, eyes, hair. Let's try not to get deep with it. I am only noticing these things because it's what I am looking at when people are talking to me. Next things I focus on are hands and what you are eating.
11.  When was the last time you cried?  I can't really cry unless it has been built up for a long time. Sorry, I am a hard ass. On the opposite end I cry over cute cat videos and things like this:

                                         She waited nearly 3 months to get to do this.

 12.  Any current worries? You are asking someone with OCD....trust me you don't got time for dat.


13.  Name 3 drinks you drink regularly.  Coffee, Canada Dry, and smoothies.

14.  What’s your favorite book?  I haven't read enough or lived long enough to have a favorite, but the most recent faves are Hunger Games and Bossy Pants by Tina Fey. And I read Bust magazine religiously.


15.  Would you like to be a pirate? What makes you think that I am not a pirate? That's the real question.

16.  Favorite Smells? ALL DEEZ

17.  Why do you blog?  I have always loved writing and honestly, I write like how I talk. So I imagine when I am writing, I am just talking but in my head. It gives everyone in my real life a fuckin break plus I love the people I connect with.

18. What song do you want played at your funeral?   I request everyone be sad chic and/or cosplay, and so far on my "I got dead" playlist, there is a lot of Kimya Dawson, "oh me so horny", and New Order.
19.  What is your least favorite thing about yourself? Everything that is a fault of mine is an advantage sometimes. So something I truly do not like about myself is that I am still not the best listener. But hey, I get points for trying.

20.  Favorite hobby? Finding new music, writing, loving, dancing, and generally life living.

21.  Name Something you’ve done, you never thought you would do? Fall in love.

22.  What do you look for in a friend? How fun they are and if they have good hearts.

23.  Favorite fun things to do?  go to L.A. for concerts and browsing shops. Also, I like going to antique shops and art shows.

24.  Pet peeves?  Mean people. Racism. The words "retard" "gay" and "slut" when being used to describe something bad. Just knock it off. If it slips out of your mouth it's one thing, because we all say things we don't mean before we think it all the way through. But to type it? C'mon. There are more words than that to write. Choose something else or don't be so angry on the fucking internet.

25.  What’s the last thing that made you laugh? I caught Jedi dancing a few minutes ago, and he gave me the "you didn't see anything" look. I chuckled.

Now to tag some bloggers that I want to pass along this quiz to!!
Hey Freddie!
The Crumb Diaries
Me and "My" Professor
Modern Mama Dramas
Raising Wild Things

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xoxo Humble

It's Donna Day!!!

I first read Mary Tyler Mom's story of Donna two years ago when I had just been a fan and follower of her page. There was something about the way Sheila wrote about her daughter that drew me to her and I looked forward every day to another post. In fact, I remember getting up early and pacing the floor, waiting to read another installment.
Sometimes Sheila wouldn't post right away, and that was how me and my close friend who was also following the story, knew that it was going to be a heavy post that day.
Over the course of 32 days I read about Donna's 31 month Cancer journey.
In 32 days, I was changed.

You can read Donna's story HERE
Because of Donna I have been inspired to be a better person, to do more good things, even small things and to choose hope.

Since knowing Sheila I have gained a better understanding of what Cancer does to a family, to a mother, to a heart.When Sheila asked me to write about Donna Day and what it means, I was both honored and excited to share with you the lovely Donna.  In case you didn't know, she is absolutely wonderful.

After sweet Donna passed away a charity was made by her family, Donna's Good Things
and every year they hold a head shaving event in Chicago that raises money for St. Baldricks and this year their event will be on March 30th.

Did you know?More US children will die from cancer than any other disease, or many other diseases combined.
This is staggering and unacceptable.

Want to do something to help? Well first you can watch THIS VIDEO that explains more of what St. Baldricks does, and why there is a need for better funding towards Pediatric Cancer research.

You can also DONATE DONATE DONATE by clicking HERE
any amount helps!!

 Last year's started with a goal of $20K and they raised $79K!  This year there are fewer heads to shave and the goal is set at $30K.  The oldest shavee is 89 years old and she is doing it with her daughter, a returning shavee. Isn't that so rad?

          If you want to shave your head, that is so cool too, and there is still time! 
                                         Folks can raise a lot of $ in 30 days!

And if you have it in your heart to give but are not able to at this time, please share this post. Facebook, Twitter (#conquerkidscancer #donnaday) and anywhere else that you are able to. Let's do good things!!

 
xoxo Humble