What Humble Did: Episode 3

Hello!

It is I, your friendly Humble, here to tell you all the totally important shenanigans that are going on in my life and on my page. 

What? 2 blog posts in 1 week!?

CRAZY.

Let us start with how my morning went.

Well, it really started last night so I will back track.

Last night I saw a pair of sweat pants in a hamper and since I didn't really feel like sleeping in my jeans, which by the way I do all of the time. It just makes the whole morning a lot smoother not having to figure out where I wandered to in my half awake half zombie state and decided to drop my pants and go to bed. I say "going to bed" but really, it is more like falling slowly from wherever I am standing, towards the direction of my bed. Sometimes if I am lucky I make it to the actual bed and no one has to find me asleep in the kitchen with my pants hanging off of my feet.

So I saw the pair of sweat pants and thought that wearing them was the best idea I ever had. I even thanked myself for washing them and leaving them clean in the hamper ready for me to accidentally find. 

"Go me!" I thought as I dozed off half way on the bed with my legs hanging off, waiting for imminent disaster to strike. Which it most often does, as soon as I put one foot in a sheet. Examples as of late, are sudden screaming disease, sudden my leg hurts disorder, sudden paranoia of what Jesus meant when he said he was coming back and should we get a dog to alert us of this zombie man coming into our house?

Which are all very real afflictions that my children have been diagnosed with.

Soon enough it is time to get up and get the kids up. 

Everything that can go wrong, does.

Kids delay eating their breakfast and are fighting.

Instead of putting the socks on that I gave him, Han stares at the wall until he asks me about how many grenades would it take to destroy our house.

Sprite is deciding that she doesn't like her shorts and is going to wear her pants, but not just any pants, it has to be the pants that  I haven't seen in 6 months.

She also can't find her shoes. 

Now I know what you are thinking, which is what I was thinking.

DISCIPLINE! ORDER! PREPARATION THE NIGHT BEFORE!

Well that is all super swell, but when you are trying to catch your baby before he takes a nose dive off the couch, so you can change his shitty diaper, feed him something and you still haven't peed or made coffee or anything. It is hard to get into that mode of "children assemble or ELSE" frankly, I am just going from one point to the next to get out of the gosh dang house on time. All this discipline shit is going to do in that moment is piss people off, make them refuse to go to school, etc. And I am definitely not in the mood for taking that fucked up detour.

So eventually we get in the van and are on our way.

About 3 blocks away I realize school has started 4 minutes ago.

I immediately get pissed.

And embarrassed. 

Why am I always late to everyfuckingthing!?!?

It is annoying to not only the folks that put up with me, but I hate it too. 

And so I start to pep talk myself out of my cry baby moment:

It's okay, they are not that late, it will be fine, I can just walk in the office and be all nonchalant and "good morning!" and they will just see that I am totally competent and that even though they have been late at least 6 times this year, it is because they are punk kids that can't get their shit together, and it is I, their beautiful mother who is leading by example and someday these kids WILL have their shit together because I am such a role model for that sort of thing.

I am like Mother Theresa to these children, I swear.

~Wait.....walk in the office?

I AM STILL WEARING THE SWEAT PANTS!

It's okay, I say, no one will see me. My children are so beautiful and popular that when I get out of the car anyone who sees us will have all their focus on them and think "Look at those great kids, I totally notice nothing in the world right now but them"

So we get out of the van.

2 other little girls are late and getting out of their car.

Their mother waves bye to them and they walk to the office.

Whoa whoa, what the hell? I have to walk up and go into the office and this broad just waves and leaves? I have tried the same thing and get a call from the office as soon as I leave the parking lot!

Then I see the principal coming out of the office door, surely, he will tell their mother something, I seek justice and also validation that I am clearly the parent who knows the rules.

He waves to her and says "Better late than never! Have a great day!"

You are joking me.

Then he turns and he sees me, and averts his gaze, saying nothing.

What are these sweat pants giving you a boner!?

I totally looked like this, but the complete opposite.

It's like I am in High School and have a zit that no one could probably see and I am responding to everyone with "what the hell do you want, it's a zit alright?! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE"

So I go in the office, tell the office ladies that we are approximately 6 minutes late, and they give the kids their late passes and I exit the building as quickly as possible.
As I am walking to the van another parent, walking along the same sidewalk says "Had a late morning?" and there was something in his voice....a little too "I just shit money and this day is AWESOME!"  and I respond with "No I just like looking like this and being late, DUH"
And I got in my van before I could even hear his response. You know, as I was sitting there, I felt kind of bad. Like, maybe sweat pants aren't that big of a deal, you know?

And then I realized the period stain in the crotch.

And that is why I am sleeping in my jeans for the rest of my life.


End Scene.

Want to vote for my son as Preemie of the Year and maybe possibly hopefully win tickets to

                                                                   DISNEYLAND!?

You can vote for him daily until Nov 2nd by clicking HERE

Also my brother Danie's donation fund is still happening!!

You can find out more about the fund to fix Danie's teeth by clicking HERE

Any amount helps!

And in case you missed it, because Facebook is Facebook, I posted the 2nd part to my compassion series yesterday, you can find read  both Part 1 and Part 2 by clicking the links.

Want to stalker me?

 check out my Pinterest

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my Instagram username: humblevader

and of course my Facebook Page

xoxo

What Humble Did: Episode 2

 Since Facebook is being Facebook and I am like the Nell of technology and can't figure out what the hell the problem is and why my posts keep disappearing, I am going to just write this big ass post.

Why haven't I been as attentive on Facebook?
Life, people. LIFE. Real life things are happening.
And frankly there aren't enough Mr. Rogers cardigans in the world that can weather these situations. (FYI: I wear cardigans like how people wear work uniforms, you know, to put them in the mood for selling shit and being the boss of people)
So what big bad real life shit is happening? Let us do a breakdown.

Monday:
Sprite started 4th grade, Han started 2nd. Everything went as planned, including the fact that I woke up at 6:30. OMG.
I thought I was in the clear with not getting back to school supplies, since what I had seen before was just a mediocre "Donation Wish List" Which to me, means, "Shit you can get later, when you feel like it." But NO. Sprite's class has this asinine list of shit to get, and being the good mother that I am, not wanting her to look like she has a bad mother or anything, I thought, "Oh I can just pick up this crap on the way home"

On the way home, turned into 3 different stores and me pulling my hair out for not being able to find a 3 pack of Avery glue sticks. Does the teacher own stock in Avery? Because everything was Avery versus, you know just a list of "3 glue sticks" "binder 1 1/2 inches" "thin tip dry erase markers"
No, that would be too fucking easy.
The child got sent to school with a 4 pack of Elmer's glue sticks, because this is America and we use Elmer's, so suck it.
Also on Monday, I got sucked into signing up Moo for KINDERGARTEN. The real kind. It is private, and somewhat affordable since her dad and I are going halfsies, and I can sell my ovaries to the highest bidder. I hear that it would send me into Menopause, but hot flashes and whiskers are a cool trade for having Moo go do stuff that doesn't require neighing like a horse every day for 4 hours.

Tuesday:
Oh this day was bunk.
Had a doctor appt for Jedi and it turns out his insurance didn't actually switch his doctor and the insurance card they gave us was totally bogus because someone decided to not do their job and like not send us a card with that doctor's info until they actually switched the freaking doctor.

Also Moo had 4 shots, I told you this Kindergarten shit was real.

Wednesday:

Stayed home in my pajamas, and basically drank coffee for 12 hours.
Waking up at 6:30 is kicking my ass.

Thursday:

3 kids dentist appointments. 2 of which had to be sedated. NO EATING AFTER 8 A.M.
Which meant I picked them up from school before lunch, confiscated a sandwich, a waffle, and a bowl of ice cream before I just gave up and said get in the car. On the way there, we got a flat tire. It was scary as fuck, with 5 kids in the car and being the adult that I am, I screamed. Eldest said my triple chinned face that was created by said screams should be on the back of milk cartons if kidnappers ever steal me.

We missed the appointment and everyone ate Taco Bell at my moms house while my dad worked his dad magic and put on a new tire.
I took a coma nap and woke up thinking we were late to school.
Friday:

By now I would be drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade for breakfast, but since on account of me drinking them all during the week, I am shit out of luck and take shots of coffee. I briefly consider snorting some pixie stix to give me more oomph, but change my mind when I remember that I am my children's model of what an adult is supposed to be, and should one of them go to jail and be released and turn into a rapper, their mom snorting candy off her kitchen counter would definitely make it to the lyrics, and I just can't be Eminem's mom. Fuck.

I went to 2 places to get more shit for Moo's Kindergarten registration, and also took the kids to their school's Ice Cream Social, where I got to bitch with other parent's about how insanely tired we all were until Moo pissed her pants, and I decided it was time to drop them off at their dad's.

The End.

Here is what you need to know that is happening.

This is one of those things I tried to post but since Facebook was being Facebook, I am sharing it again.
Read more at Mary Tyler Mom
You will find the link to Donna's Cancer Story there, and also get to know and behold the wonderful Sheila, who is Donna's Superhero mama.

Self Worth Action Project
This is a project by my friend at Craughing
It is an awesome idea. What are you putting in your "self worth" bank? How important to you are you? (sounds like something from Dr. Seuss therefore you know it's good)

Also this week,


This happened.
Ezra's first meme.